I’m going through an intense process right now where I’m learning the way of the heart. It’s something totally new to me. It has felt like a knowing beyond thought or emotion and it has been powerful. We’ve been in this pilgrimage and staying true to that, the truth that I cannot even see. I find myself standing in pitch darkness, as this way of living, feeling and breathing is not something familiar to how I used to be, but with some profound sense of grace that seems to keep guiding me, as I stand firm in the dark, I begin to see even the dark transformed into a kind of light… I am still learning to find the words to be able to express this in a very grounded and practical way, but trust me on this – this way that I am discovering is revealing itself to be far more practical and efficient than anything else I have ever known. I believe the words through which I can express this to others will come more clearly in time.
The simple joys of life… its actually what I am also using as a foundation for every step that I am taking now… a foundation of keeping the simple pleasures as a real treasure and gift… and it seems to propel me somehow to a deeper sense of knowing who I am.
I guess that is the question that has gained in intensity for me over the years, to truly know what and who I am not merely as a soul, but as a presence, in my very essence, beyond this body and my circumstances…. it is not only for me that I ask this question, but out of love for the world and everyone and everything that I cherish.
There is an old saying that I am truly beginning to understand now – you may have heard of it – “Physician, Heal Yourself First!” Only then can I truly help to heal others, by resolving my own blocks and fears. I feel this is a worthy path – a powerful way to walk in life. My deepest love to you and for you.
Brother, ‘go with the flow’ has become such empty meaningless words that stand more to say, “do whatever you feel like’ rather than about following one’s true INTENT – which can create NEW FLOWS – which is the Master of the flow itself. What people in the world most find themselves struggling with now is these empty philosophical cliches they carry around, deceiving themselves that they are somehow ‘faking it to making it’… but there ARE WORDS – perfect words – to express in every single moment, that are an emanation of the Sri Yantra… of the primordial fractal…. there are indeed words for this… and by saying I am learning to find the words, the deeper intent is that I am learning the mystery and mastery of alignment with oneself. The flow is a servant to the divine, not vice versa.
But to do that, first one aligns with the flow… one becomes merged with it… and then one CHANGES IT.
I know when I say your ‘new age cliches’ of ‘follow the flow’ are a block to you, you find yourself then faced with not knowing WHERE to STEP or what CHOICE to make… which is why you keep running back to the cliches… but as a dear divine friend told me a few days ago, there is great joy in PUSHING against one’s own shackles.
I wish to see those around me free, I wish to see myself free – in order to do that I have had to muster the balls to truly, objectively, look at the texture of my own prisons… those handcuffs I have painted gold and yet named them my prized jewels… and though there is a truth in that my own blocks, wounds and fears, as I become free, become the very weapons of freedom that I can then pass onto others… first they still must be seen for the prisons that they are.
I am learning not to get caught in catch-22s and circular arguments – as they are slow and life-sucking, and ultimately – FALSE.
There are no catch-22s. The paradox is that there is no paradox. That is not a circle.
This has become a very simple question for me, simple yet incredibly potent – the intensity of the question – WHO AM I? WHAT AM I? And what stands between ME and ME?
Do you truly ask yourself this? Or do you run from it? It is a question to be asked from the very core, to at the very least be honest about the choices we are making. I refuse to lie to myself any longer – it makes me evolve at breathtaking speed, and I embrace it.
Others can muster the courage to keep pace…. or to die slowly rotting in their own dungeons and fears… but sacrifice is not the way of true joy. I must FLY to my ancient home. None and nothing shall stand in my way now.
Posted in The Seductiveness of the Divine | Tagged Alchemy, Angel, astral, beauty, Being, Blazing, celestial, channeling, death, devi, Diana, divine, Dragon, Drunken, Durga, fire, Flexibility, Gabriel, goddess, Grace, high magik, Huntress, intention, light, Love, Luminous, magic, magik, master, pilgrimage, power, seduction, Spider, Truth, Vajra, weapon, Will | Leave a Comment »
I put Kuan Yin on my computer desktop. A beautiful purple picture of the goddess…. I surrounded it with a purple gradient and there she sits. The first day I tried to strike the same hand positions, since a friend had suggested that iconography was meant to be instructive in this way. I would have sworn she smiled at me when I tried. I don’t mean that to be silly at all…. in that second, just as someone rang me on my phone, I thought she was smiling at me.
Since this, I have felt almost as if she watches over me all the time. Money seems to come from nowhere, a lot of new opportunities show up for me. Maybe my questions are being answered. I have been writing on the backs of the paper prayer sheets we use here in Taiwan. I don’t know if anyone ever does that, but I just write my question again and again, as beautifully or as rawly, or as simply or as ramblingly as I feel I must, “Who am I?” Now, this isn’t to make a mantra of the question, but it is to spur myself to trust the universe to answer it! To wake myself up to my own desire to know it, which I am afraid is a naive desire. When I finish two dozen of them, I will burn them at the chimney of the Temple of the Boddhisattva.
Some of my questions are already getting answered. Long ago someone related the story of his long exchange with a zen master. The master had told him that Karma was also an illusion, and it was kind of like how you wake up in the morning, and you go to the job you had the day before, and do some of the same things…. And I had been wondering, how do I come to see this for myself? In fact, I’ve asked the same zen master the same question, but he has yet to get back to me.
Yet last night I read someone paraphrasing something Sadhguru said, “Your likes and dislikes are your karma.” That’s it! Equanimity towards likes and dislikes, or at least seeing the impermanence of them is the key to seeing the illusion in them…. they are obviously dross. “If I cut your hand off, would you still be you?” “If you had never had your favorite pet as a child, would you still be you?” “If you had never known your favorite pass-time, would you still be you?”
As I chat on the Skype phone, or type back and forth with friends, I see Kuan Yin’s beautifully placid smile. I find myself reflecting it back, bringing some equanimity to situations where I might otherwise get sucked into a maelstrom, even lending me more wisdom than I really possess. I swear she smiles a more brightly at times, filling my heart with clarity and equanimity.
I have returned to questioning “who am I?” Until recently I’d lost faith that the question could be answered, and I found myself stuck in ruts for months. Instead of plunging into the unknown for days to finally emerge with new knowledge, I just had the slightly lock-jawed and bitter taste of stagnation….
But in writing on those golden prayer papers, I have been emboldening myself to ask the question again, looking inside to grasp the answer. And I find myself standing at the doors of silence again. That question, of all of them I am aware of, brings me to the sense of impermanence and lack of inherence more clearly than anything else.
The feeling I get is of settling into a place that is both familiar and alien, where I seem to be nothing at all, and no moment holds any sway whatsoever except this exact one, where I seem to calmly observe everything fading like the trees in Autumn, or the setting sun. . . I even know what it is to sink into this entirely, yet I do not. However, instead of mourning my fearful toe-dipping, I am simply realizing that it doesn’t matter if I hang about here at the threshold awhile longer…. the opening of the door is inevitable, and I care about nothing as much as the answer to Maharishi’s question: “Who am I?”
When I feel empowered, clear-headed, and open to possibility, I look out to make a move towards something, or even ask the boon of KuanYin, who seems to follow me most of the time. When I’m innocent or naive enough to feel that ANYTHING is possible, it’s obvious that I don’t actually know what I really want, the only question that seems important is to find out who I am. Otherwise anything else I seek is just a waste of my time… But am I courageous enough to keep asking?
Posted in Spiritual | Tagged devotion, identity, intention, meditation, peace, power, ruts, Self-enquiry, training, Truth, void | Leave a Comment »
Everything’s working out for me.
I had initially told my employer I could stay for one more year. I’d thought it through carefully and come to the conclusion that the money was good and I could keep pumping my business ventures. But when it came time to sign the contract, I got sick about it.
Actually, the truth is, from the moment I told her I’d do it, I had this feeling of loss of good breath, like I was literally, subtly suffocating. Then when the day came to sign, I felt like shit. My heart was pounding, I kept having to go to the bathroom. I just couldn’t do it. Contextualize this within a year and a half that’s been mostly in good states and you’ll see how much this was fucking up my groove.
So I decided to try to make the move South, to the middle of Taiwan, a much nicer place. But I needed to know if the money would work out. I’d already asked MaZu if my business would still be prosperous if I made the move to TaiChung and she’d said yes, but I wanted to be sane about it all.
So, I put the numbers down on paper and realized that I had plenty of money. In fact, if I am a bit careful about my spending during the month of August, I’ll be able to complete my contractual payment obligation to my Engineer, visit Thailand for more or less than a month, and land back in Taiwan with about four times as much cash as I started with this last time I landed here.
So, I told my employer today that I just wasn’t willing to sign on for another year. I apologized if I’d misled her and I explained that I was getting burned out and I was trying to make the best decision for my own sense of well-being. She actually said if I ever change my mind, she will be happy to sign another contract with me. Wow….. a better outcome than I could have reasonably hoped for.
What do I notice with all of this? I had grown stagnant in ways I hadn’t imagined. And the need to organize things and pare stuff down is already breathing energy back into my rutted oxcart.
I plan to do a 10 day long Vipassana meditation retreat in Thailand, and I’m nervous about whether I’ll have the courage and the metal it takes to actually get the practice to work. Some part of me flirts with certainty that I’ll end up in the bottom 10%, some lack of courage or wherewithal preventing me from getting much out of it, forever thinking of it as “meh” while my inner knowing of my own failure in the matter gnaws at me forever — only to go back and try again years later, and get only some scant success with it then.
But I’m hoping that’s not the case. As much as all this fear of failure and inadequacy is bugging the shit out of me, I’m excited to move towards some progress, at least waking me up to an extent. Insight, clarity, growth and inspiration are worth a lot more than money in most cases.
Posted in Spiritual, Synthesizer | Tagged dancing, fear, freedom, meditation, plateau, relax, synthesizer, taiwan, training | Leave a Comment »
I read an absolutely genius website recently: http://www.nononsenseselfdefense.com/FEARvsDANGER.html
This guy has the clearest ideas of real-world violence and violent human behavior that I’ve ever read. This reminds me of a lot of what we always say is “good kung fu.” I.E., there’s almost always a nonviolent way out, and why were you somewhere that violence was likely in the first place? In other words for violence to actually be “necessary,” you have to have made a series of complete fuck-ups leading up to that situation. Then, to actually “defend” yourself is usually to find the fastest path to escape.
Further, as I’ve always thought, there’s no such thing as a “fight” outside of duels and sparring. It isn’t a real barfight or street fight unless somebody is likely to draw a knife, gun, or bat or someone’s friend or associate is likely to draw one while you aren’t looking. No one is trying to “fight.” Either they are trying to warn you off with a threat display, they’re giving you an ultimatum (usually with some option to leave or exit without violence) or else they’re trying to murder you (because you declined their ultimatum or you already did something to ‘earn’ getting killed, like screwed their wife or screwed them in a drug deal).
But this guy takes it all a step further. He shows how people take the rules from their part of society and expect them to apply everywhere and in all situations, basically becoming bigotted pricks everywhere they go. Essentially people expect to break some of the ‘rules’ (screwing someone’s wife, going to a drug party in the ghetto) whilest assuming that other ‘rules’ will protect them (no one shoots people, no one violates my body without my permission). By this method, a lot of middle class men get shot and a lot of middle class girls get raped, simply by assuming their “rights” are god-given instead of society given.
He lays everything out so lucidly as to point to the simple truth: If you are oriented to reality as it is, rather than what you think it should be, you are always in a more powerful position.
This showed me that the way we’ve built up our society is good in some ways. I definitely like the fact that most of the time the greatest risk I suffer as a consequence of my words or actions is hurt feelings. That’s a safer world to live in than a barbaric one of constant possible violence. But we also effectively use this setup to manipulate situations to our benefit. At the end of the day, the person with the most savvy in whatever system they are in, is usually able to gain the most power, toys, money, or whatever…. and in the end, most people are playing to win.
Even playing “by the rules” is probably playing to win, through reputation, some sense of self-respect (boosting ego/confidence), social and personal justification, or else to marshall the rules in one’s favor as a protective measure (It’s nice to be able to manipulate social power in someone’s face while they cannot do anything about it because the “rules” protect your theivery, hate speech, backstabbing connivances, or stupid and self-serving actions). Most people surely hide their own attempts to “win” from themselves, because if they realized how twisted and ruthless their own games were, they might “lose” some of the psychological cookies that their social rules system gives them.
All this points me a clear direction: Know my intention, and act utterly in accordance with it… hide nothing from myself — my sense of ‘fairness’ seems to mostly be a strategy from my childhood to manipulate those around me, so set it aside entirely and play ruthlessly, simply, absolutely to succeed. My “morals” will never be a stand-in for innocence.
Posted in Spiritual | Tagged animals, forgiveness, intention, masculinity, political, power, PUA, Qi Kung, Rule Number One, sex, Truth, wujifa | Leave a Comment »