Archive for August, 2006

Something Big…

This is disorienting…

I feel like a giant black void, and everything I experience is like a solar flare shooting across the screen of my conciousness. Noticing that “Something got done by me” is taking on a whole new realness…

What can I do with this?


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I learned a new meditation…

It’s based on identifying with something..

instead of what I’m noticing, it’s what I’m not noticing.

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I went back to the temple last night to pick up my recording equipment. Joe had purchased new stuff. When I got there he was watching some new science fiction show about a cloned genius boy. It occured to me after fifteen minutes that he was so enthralled by it because of the cute college kid actor. The show did not end until 9pm. I kept watching Joe vassilating between pumping me for gossip fodder (mostly about Mrs. T, though some about me) and trying to hit on me. He was cooking Fig preserves on the oven and said, “I add lemon to the mix to give them that extra ” At that I got up and started recording tapes for me and T of the sessions we had missed.

Then I began dissasembling my audio equipment and replacing it with the new stuff he bought. He kept name dropping the brand name of the mixer, “it’s a Mackie,” as if I was to be impressed that a big name company could make a cheap-ass mixer with too many bells and whistles for a simple fag like Joe to understand. For that matter it had too many bells and whistles for me to understand, and I ended up spending an extra hour sorting out why I couldn’t get a signal through it.

Joe eventually decided to vent his frustrations through talking down to me about politics. He’s proud of the fact that after having 300 years of Democrats in his family, they’ve all switched to Republican. He enjoys railing against me about something to do with morals and how proud he is that Bush invaded Iraq. I push him to yelling, then back off, only because it’s still inappropriate for me to snatch out a pastor’s eye. Then I calm him back down, because he chain smokes and drinks coffee all day and eats sausage every morning for breakfast and he has high blood pressure and while I believe he is deceptive and manipulative, he is still just a simpleton. I gather my stuff and leave, with him making it clear that he’s probably going to need my help figuring this equipment out.

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Saturday Night, August 12th.

A handful of good friends came over and we played games and drank. Thomas, Emlyn and Liz, Tori, and briefly, Michael and Heather and little Carter.

The menu was excellent, Lentil Salad, Tomato Salad, Pan Seared Tuna, and various wine.

We shot fireworks. Everyone eventually got into shooting them, even Tori, who was reluctant at first.

Then we played the Devil’s never ending game of Uno…

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..no this isn’t an essay on consitutional government. But what consititutes the good things I like? I’ve been playing with this all day long. I can optimize the body with some Qi-Kung stuff, and some spine folding and lengthening.

Here’s the cool thing, is noticing when a state I like shows up, what it’s made up of. The little bits, like the hips relaxing, or the face opening up for instance, are incredibly valuable, as well as noticing breathing shifts and muscle tensions shifts and releases. It is removing my good states from dependancy on a particular experiences and brings more magic into whatever I might be doing.

More tactics: Escaping from a house, if say, I was being held hostage, is a little different than normal room clearing. I can make assumptions like “no one will be hiding in the shower,” unlike walking into a crack house where God knows where people might be. I like this part of shooting, it’s very much like chess.

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Tonight I’ve been practicing firearms tactics with John W.

Room Clearing. I can control two positions easily (one with the gun, one with my eyes). Peripheral positions are easy also. This house is a bungaloo though and there is a central area with FIVE entryways and a shower in the bathroom. Most people are slow however, so I move quickly through the hotspots, and tactically regroups when I’m in control. Changing positions going low if you see a threat is a good idea also. Remember that you can shoot through a wall in a house. Kick the fuck-all out of doors and keep your gun in close. Wedge doors closed behind you. Pay attention.

We also did drills for disarming. Don’t bother with the slap their wrist to their left with your right hand and right with your left hand. You’ll shoot someone next to you. We drilled going up and down. This was I can disable a wrist on a plain it’s not used to travelling on, AND gain control of the gun. If any of my friends would like a demonstration, I’d be happy to help. It’s easy to grasp and we were playing “try to squeezae off a shot as soon as you see me move…” It looks like about 75% of the time you’re totally clrear, the other times, they MIGHT get a foot. Better than your face. Plus I can GRAB a revolver cylinder and they cannot fire it, autopistols might go out of battery and fail to shoot.

Defending from head and kidney gun threats from behind is also easier than you might think… but maybe that’s a topic for a different entry. The principle is that you don’t need to move that far in order to be out of their shot. We’ll be drilling these for the three days I’m here and I’ll go home and drill more. I like the close up arm locks these use, and the way that they all end with the gun pointed at the attacker and me in a solid position.

Additionally, after seeing “Bodies” it became clear that my primary shot targets are:

1) Center of chest. If you shoot high, you’ll hit the heart and lungs, or a little low you’ll still be getting the solar plexus. You might get the spine if you’re lucky and bring their body offline quick.

2) Head, obviously, but it might be hard to hit.

Okay, so I knew those two before hand. However, I feel I have a more intimate awareness of them now. And we add two more good targets from my “anatomy studies.”

3) Armpits. The Brachial plexus is vulnerable, and many people still feel “safe” with this area open. Also, you’ll nail their heart and lungs easy.

4) Hips. Last week I started practicing hip shots so I could take armored targets. It made sense after seeing bodies because there are HUGE blood bearing vessels through there (almost as big as the aorta), as well as two major nerves (sciatic) and some other nerve centers. John confirms that this is a good target, especially with smaller caliber weapons, because they can ricochet within the pelvis and smaller caliber weapons (.22s, .25s, .32s, etc) have a better chance of hitting something important there than travelling through the mass of muscle and bone to access the chest cavity. My drill for killing kevlar clad targets: Shoot two shots low, then aim for the face on the third. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

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In case anyone who knows me has failed to notice, I spend a lot of time striving to be noble and good. Along with this, I often struggle when I feel that I am being immoral or evil. I observed the fallacy in thinking this way.

I find that when I set out to make music from my heart, it is frequently somewhat “dark” as I try to capture my most powerful feelings. I am chagrined by this same sense of evil sometimes if I refuse to censor my intentions. The problem here comes from trying to exclude some part of myself. One of my favourite sayings is that if God had wanted to create another Buddha, he could have done so easily, or if he had wanted another Christ, he could have made an army of them. Obviously Divine karma has created everything. So, I chose to accept each part of me, so long as it is from my heart, and exclude nothing. I have returned to this truth several times in my life, and it always feels like a deep release. I trust that if any part of me should be transmuted, that it will be Divinely transmuted. At the same time, I will allow that God is wiser than my narrow ideas of what is high or great or noble.

Also, I feel that the amoral or immoral parts of me are not in conflict with my conciousness or what I might choose for myself. Instead I feel more powerfully incorporated, noble and devious, compassionate and selfish, calculating and loving.

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