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Archive for January, 2009

Derailed

I don’t know when was the last time I felt so derailed and uncentered, ungrounded and detached from myself.

I feel a great deal of clarity about the mechnisms of intention. I can observe my intentions guiding my body to support the neural pathways, actions and attitudes conducive to the intention I hold. I see how Wujifa can act as a medicine in that way. I also see how screwed up patterns carry through the body as a kind of training similar to Wujifa (hence the need for such devoted training). Maybe I can learn to make my own medicines… but here’s what I cannot find right now in the midst of this stark grounded clarity of observation: Clarity of intention!

What I do notice is that I seem to not get overwhelmed so much lately as just habitually go back to structures that block flow. Apparently I have a habitual intention to block flow of energy.. I don’t find most of the energies I experience overwhelming, in the sense of getting freaked out. Maybe the discomfort stems from feeling such wide-open possibility? Or so much freedom that I lost some of what I thought was my footing? Some of the clarity of observation I’ve had has also made me uncomfortable… But mostly I think it gets back to habit (which is still a desire to do what’s comfortable, determined by comparisons to what’s been relatively comfortable before). I don’t like the structure that I notice many of my habits training into me! However, this is a relatively new observation (yea, and thanks Rick, because I am just glimpsing how things get attached to modalities –>deep stuff but I cannot articulate it at all)

All that positive aside, this week I’ve just felt bad. I accidentally stumbled across something on the internet that freaked me out and left me feeling very dark for about a day and a half. I also have just been floundering for clarity and feeling some very uncomfortable feelings in general. My introverted nature really bucks against having to be someone’s guide for two weeks straight without any break at all. Also, the third world poverty in the Philippines–I just feel like I needed some time to process that (alone). Hmmm, I realize sometimes things go this way.

Still, with some time alone and longer training I think I can get myself reoriented.

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Ox year

Yesterday they began the new year celebration on my street. Since I live in the old/central section of town, I just have to walk out of my apartment complex and be swarmed with everyone in Sansia coming out to play carnival games, shop the street vendors, and shoot fireworks. They began blowing things up around 1PM yesterday and continued until 11PM. My cousin and I stood on the old bridge and watched as kids of all ages shot fireworks in every direction. I like that in Taiwan, someone will just set some big fireworks in the median of a big road and light them, blasting giant flowers of burning chemicals into the air.

This morning I woke up to Chinese horns, gongs, and drums as the marching band was going down Ming Sheng St. towards the big old temple around 8AM. The horns sound like bagpipes to me and I think they are very pretty. I went out to the street and ordered my usual fresh squeezed OJ and watched the procession. Giant Gong Guan (I think that’s his name) costumed paraders climaxed this little crew. Every so often someone in the line would set down some firecrackers and they’d pop off like erratic machine gun fire. I learned quickly to cover my ears when I saw nearby Taiwanese people doing the same.

I’m looking forward to Ox year. I have managed to lose focus for a minute (up till now). Something about milling around third world-ish Philippines and having my cousin at my house for two weeks whilst having a raging cold.. I think all these things are contributing to my loss of my sense of purpose and intention. Also, as I said, I was having backlash from my Wujifa practice already. So I’m working to get back into the swing of things. I’m also noticing, regarding the Wujifa book, that my own promises can protect me from loss of clarity in my intention.

Last night I also remembered a promise to myself, and that pointed me back into a good practice as well. I want to continue working to let go of old habits that don’t serve my purposes any more. I can see how simple it is to accomplish my intentions if I apply myself even passively over enough time with clarity in intention and action. Right now I feel like my greatest enemy is laziness and habits I built up when I had little awareness of what I was doing. Most of these habits don’t even feel good as I’m doing them, but the neural pathways have just been there so long (up till now)… I’m ready to let go of more — WAY more.

The main thing I want right now, that I believe will help me regain my footing: Time by myself.

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Ready — er

Wujifa is great. It’s powerful enough that if I pay attention, I can calibrate to shifts beyond what I can currently handle or do. It’s even powerful enough to calibrate to what I can do and feel ready for.

Also, I’ve been using the services of the Vietnamese Massage parlor. They’ll do whatever I ask for and give it to me cheap. So I like to get the to hit spots like bioenergetic stuff we’d do in class… course, they don’t go as hard as Rick, but I can get half inch to inch drops in my shoulders, huge improvements in posture, and major relaxations of the face.

And yea, I get some rebound. I actually get some rebound from my Wujifa practice lately. I did about 20 minutes of standing stance the other day (in addition to the laying down stance I do every day), and I really worked on my movement of my pelvis (I think I get the “not using the knees as a hip joint” thing). Up till now it’s been a little like belly breathing once was.. constrained to a narrow range. So I did my stance, worked my alive and relaxed movement of my pelvis…

Great. Good practice, and lots of good feelings and a HUUUUGE kineasthetic, grounding, and awareness the next day. Cool fruits.

I notice that now, I get a lot of “cool fruits” from practice. Any of the three practices I do (one of which isn’t even anything to do with Wujifa) just yield amazing fruit if I go a little further with them…

And what do I notice? Internally it’s hard for me to think of myself as “that guy” I have a success barrier to succeeding in the major goals I’ve set out for myself and worked for. It’s hard for me to imagine getting fruit from my work.

So I’ve gone back a step and am retreading the ground I’ve walked over two or three times in the last six months. Because it feels comfortable for me to do that… Maybe it’s easier to experience the dawnings of new insight and awareness than to go into that whole unknown thing(?).

I’m glad that I get two new year’s here in Taiwan. I’ll work to make better of this one than the last..

The feeling I’ve had during all this is that it’s more habits than anything else. I feel like I’m ready to move on and continue changing. However, it’s like some little habits in my body aren’t coming along just yet… Not even very intensely not coming along.. just that I have comfortable places I keep moving back to…

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I was starting to feel pretty settled in and comfortable in Taiwan. But now that I have a computer with an internet connection (and lots of music, and skype) and I just went out and got a motorscooter today… wow, now I really feel comfortable.

So, distant Taiwanese mountains, rivers, forests, beaches and hot springs: Here I come!

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Twee As Fuck

Well, it happened once before, it makes sense for it to happen again. I’m having a big shift in music preferences, just a little into the future of my old favorites. I always like everything made by good musicians, and I’ll dance or sing along if something cool comes on… but what do I put on to listen to for myself?

Now I remember hearing Mojave 3’s “Life in Art” maybe five, ten years ago and thinking that was one of the most beautiful songs I’d ever heard. I think I called Album 88.5 and asked who the artist was. Same with Catherine Wheel, Sigur Ros, Slowdive, etc… (maybe even Portishead, but they aren’t doing it for me right now). I got into The Radio Dept. after hearing them on the soundtrack to Marie Antoinette about a year ago.

So I’ve spent a few years on Synth Pop and recently Goth. Prior to that it was vintage 70s electronic — Vangelis rocked my world, along with Switched on Bach. Now I think I’m moving well into the early 90’s.

My playlist is nothing but shoegazer and minimal wave… lots of cool ethereal stuff with whispery vocals and walls of ambient distorted lovely melodies that feel like the heart of the sun shining on me… or they feel like sitting at an old wood table in the woods on a nice day reading a perfect book. Some of these albums I think I had back home, but I’m listening to them all on GrooveShark. Hooray GrooveShark!

Albums on Shuffle:

1)Pet Grief: The Radio Dept.
2)Excuses for Travellers: Mojave 3
3)Fade Into You: Mazzy Star
4)Ferment: Catherine Wheel
5)Just For a Day: Slowdive
6)Loveless: My Bloody Valentine
7): Sigur Ros
8)Nowhere: Ride
9)Raise: Swervedriver
10)She Hangs Brightly: Mazzy Star
11)So Tonight That I Might See: Mazzy Star
12)Two More Sigur Ros Albums, Including “The John Peel Sessions.”

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Hedonism Extraordinaire..

I ambled, swaggered, and moseyed back towards my house. My bottle of Beaujolais Nouveau mostly empty, I stopped to swill and drink, at 8:30AM — mostly just as a nod to debauchery. Then I had a little breakfast. Then, full of pork dumplings and coffee, I wistled the tune to the old James Bond movie we watched last night and waved at everyone I passed. I remembered the days lessons I’d already learned.

I crossed an open lot, and looked out across Formosa’s mountains. I saw clouds covering the distant sharp ones, opening up to let a ray of sunshine through, each beam causing the morning mist to glow. I felt thousands of tiny hedons pirouette through my bloodstream. The force was strong, my thetan energy went off the charts, and I’m pretty sure evil gray space aliens ran in terror at my presence.

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