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Archive for March, 2009

Life’s funny

I’m sure most of you all know I’m transgendered. After another month of deep soul searching I’ve finally come to the conclusion that unless I do something about it, I’ll crash and burn again and again. With so many things I love and wish to accomplish in life, I want to take care of this issue. It’s such a silly thing, in a way, and so simple for most people to take for granted. I would have preferred to live a life where I never had to pour any energy, time or resources into this. But, strangely enough, that’s not in the cards for me.

Now I think I understand why people change their name. I also understand why many transgendered people adopt a very specific set of mannerisms, even change the way they talk, dress, etc. I think that this part of my sense of identity often feels disconnected and overly internal, then without adequate social or personal feedback to reinforce it, I often feel at odds with external input… then I start feeling detachment, dissonance, then a myriad of hellish things.

However, I really like my name and do not intend to change it. Actually, I do not wish to marginalize myself as an obviously transgendered woman and thus I have no intention of following the pattern of plenty of others who share my plight. I am not a hundred percent certain what I’ll do outwardly, though recently I’ve managed to put myself in positions where I felt a strong sense of socially supportive feedback for this aspect of who I am. Actually, my lover and roommate is supportive to the point that it often becomes the afterthought I always wished it to be, up to a point.

So I get why someone would change their name (auditory social feedback loop), or their voice (somewhat more kineasthetic, mostly auditory social and personal feedback loop), or alter how they look (visual social and personal feedback loops). I’ve started the ball rolling to have a truly world class surgeon provide me with the restorative operation. There’s been some cool advances, in all the relevant surgeries, that I think bring treatment up to a really high standard. Here’s where most people that do it say they feel “whole” for the first time ever (pretty important kineasthetic highly personal feedback loops).

My request to all my friends: From this point forward, please refer to me using female pronouns. Please accept me and think of me as a woman. Thanks. You’ll be thinking of me in a way that’s congruent with how I’ve wanted to be since my earliest earliest memories in life. My sincere hope is that this involves only the tiniest shift and that in the 98% of any interaction you’ll have with me where it’s not an issue, it will not be an issue. In the small percentage of the time where it does matter, I appreciate your understanding and acceptance.

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I was talking with my girlfriend about some rather interesting existential thoughts. It’s blatently obvious that there’s no kindness or compassion within the universe outside of human conception. No gods are kind to us, no one or nothing is out there to even give people pity.

None of us are entitled to anything.

We’re not entitled, by the universe or nature, to love..

We’re not entitled, by the universe or by nature, to eat, the see, to feel, to
be happy, or even to live. It is by luck that any one of us was not born into a
war zone or any number of other hells that our fellow humans are born into,
thrust into, bumble into or fall into… or that we ourselves might be in at any
moment.

Compassion and kindness exist only within people, and can only be given by
people (thus we are synonymous with all the “gods” in a jungian sense). Beyond
that all we have is luck and what we can do for ourselves.

The millisecond after any of us die, none of this need ever matter again to us,
not even for a second.

All any of our decisions can do is shape the world that we experience for such a
short time. Lots of work can sometimes shape it a good deal. A little work might
impact some other people in a good way. But a millisecond after they die, it will
no longer matter to them either. Nor is any of this “positive impact” is guaranteed
by our good intentions or hard work. If anyone would like to assign meaning to our
decisions, we’re free to do so… but that’s not necessary.

Essentially, nothing is ever lost or gained with anything.

The kineasthetic feeling of this had me laughing. smiling. crying… and
eventually I got up and ate. and I puzzled over the feeling… then I slept.
Then I decided to write all this. It’s an interesting place to calibrate to,
to check in with, and to remind myself of. I feel very peaceful in this feeling.

I also see a layer past, and have more clarity about, the kinds of decisions that impact one’s intentions. There’s a way to carry intention through whatever I do, and a way to make choices freely, to wake up in the morning and do what I want, applying power efficiently. All this clarity is coming from stripping away everything. So much is nonessential, even to small things. I’m amazed now how much bogus nonsense I’ve loaded into my efforts to achieve even little tasks.

We’ll see where this goes. It felt like a seismic shift.

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