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Archive for May, 2009

More Qi Kung…

Well I added about ten or fifteen pounds. I feel sooooooo much better these days. Food is always my achilles heel, and here it’s hard sometimes to get right. I’m thankful that most of that weight went to my butt… for specific reasons I hate when it goes to my belly. I think my waist hips ratio actually got a little nicer, LOL. So I thanked my legs and butt profusely.

Anyways, onto the Wujifa. I keep working with the connection whilst breathing. I am getting new insights as I feel different expansions and contractions in concert with each other. In the past I have noticed more that my inguinal creases want to pull in, sometimes from my toes all the way to my head, as I breathe in. Now I’m noticing my back actually expanding in this process, almost like filling up… with… something. It’s pretty hard to describe but I could say like a warmth or fullness..

And the psychological part of Wujifa again is impressing me. I don’t know if it’s in the attention to detail or in the noticing of connection but I am getting tons of functional insights into my goals and how to do them. I always feel like I get almost an embarrassment of riches in this regard from my Kung Fu practice. Maybe right now I’m just noticing the change (since once things have been around awhile, it’s easy to forget them). Still, I am grateful for this part of Wujifa. Every. Single. Time. I. Notice.

Ooooo!!! As I wrote that out, I just remembered, “I. don’t. understand. yet. I’m. Open” and all its permutations. Cool, something to run off and play with.

God I function so much better when I eat a lot. It’s just insane how much that affects me.

So anyways. I thought about a lot of specifics I wanted to post here, about the functional insights I’m getting, but maybe that’s better in my own private journals, and those things change so much… and also I don’t think anyone understands the way I approach functionality, or what I mean when I talk about nihilism and hedonism… my philosophy in general, if you know me, and talk to me a lot maybe you get it. I feel I am rapidly maturing further though in my ability to manage intention and notice my connections with others. I also am running some really big frames right now that are giving me useful bits to work with and maybe make a few more things happen quickly. Changing my name really tweaked my NLP anchors a lot and opened a whole world. I thought I’d abandoned my ethics, but I actually discovered an even deeper sense of freedom and compassion, and I think few people would “get it”. Okay, well there’s the run down with no details and I don’t feel like fleshing any of that out so…. let it be a mystery!

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Well, I’m doing Wujifa again. I never entirely stopped, but I certainly cut down. Those little short practices almost every night as I feel asleep, as well as my constant tendency to find connection while breathing surely contributed to my understanding. I also like to balance and sink my weight properly when I walk because I think it helps my knees and my back.

What I’m noticing now, is that I’m refocusing on connections, not quite with MoBu or ShiLi but definitely coming from that feeling. As I do this, I remember how sensitive I can become to subtle changes in the way I feel. I do like this aspect of Wujifa because it helps me to focus a lot on incredibly detailed nuances of “vibe” and operate within them in conversations with people… but more importantly I notice this for myself. I catch when I have a deeper sense of home, or a specific flavor of comfort or anxiety. I always pay attention to these things, but Wujifa makes me hyper aware, maybe even of the timing and changes involved. The romantic in me wishes to sit and categorize these constantly shifting auras even more than I do. The cynic in me wonders if I’m creating a completely illusory world of nuanced aromas of feeling..

I think I am gaining a greater understanding of the principle of spirit. Like team spirit or school spirit. There’s also the spirit of a mountain climber, which can help a person to conquer Everest or even more. Not be confused with a soul, which may have more to do with the will but because I suspect humans are seldom capable of true willfulness, I don’t think the soul really exists — or maybe all souls are an illusion because there is only wisdom and understanding, perhaps something beyond that, which directs spirit. I do not know the details, and the director of spirit remains a complete mystery to me, yet I still feel the reality of spirit.

I have questions I’ll post elsewhere about what spirit actually is, but I think certain things help to cultivate it. Of course, I’d like every word I use in this matter to be taken as a useful fiction, because I don’t know if anyone else uses the terms the way I do. However, I feel it’s all useful for creating an engine to accomplish things.

I once spent several years deconditioning my Christian habits of prayer, to see if I had any essence of belief or perception of God beyond conditioning. Similarly, my nihilism serves to strip away anything I can strip away in my lifelong attempt to master the art of doing. Extreme characteristics and eccentricities become the biggest strengths and weaknesses a person has. I like my romantic and hedonistic nihilism in this respect. Maybe it gives me just enough space to direct spirit without as much baggage as I would have otherwise had.

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So I had a kidney stone over the weekend. It passed without too much blood or pain. Then, upon getting a CAT scan to see that the stone was gone, they discovered a dime sized calcification of my Iliac Aorta. Wow, so heart disease? Just when I was kinda getting a new grip on things?

But flash back a few days before. If you’ve been reading my blog then you’ll know I’ve been trying to find a place to feel comfortable being transsexual. One of the things I dislike the most about it is that it doesn’t contribute to anything I really value. It feels like a resource pit, to find comfort in something that I wish I could just take for granted like most everyone else in the world. So I was thinking a lot about what I’m doing. I wanted to build synthesizers and give people beautiful musical instruments at prices poor college students could afford. I wanted to see more of the world. I wanted to master Wujifa. And I wanted to find someone to have a long and meaningful closeness with.. that’s something I’ve always searched for.

And here I find myself going over some of the most basic bits (gender). Some of the transsexual people out there manage to build that into a lifelong quest. I just don’t want my life to be about my sexual identity. The thought of that seems like a wasted life to me. So I was revisiting my system of values, rediscovering what’s important.

Of course, as much as I sometimes dislike the utter commitment that Wujifa requires, I find myself returning to it again and again. Even tonight I was watching more videos. Yao ZongXun Shili really got me curious about the MoBu Shili training I was doing last year and inspires me to go lay down and explore some more.

Now, I was feeling depressed, as my last few posts would suggest, but I’ve insulated myself by upping my calorie intake significantly. I think I have a ridiculous metabolism, downing 24-2600 calories a day with little weight gain other than a healthy glow. The last couple of weeks felt like an upswing. I found a gender specialist therapist here in Taipei to help me. I was starting to reorganize my priorities and discover just how much I’d like to do something significant…

And after all I discover I have an unhealthy heart?

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II cannot live feeling the way I feel forever. I am not willing to do it. It is breaking my soul down, until I lose little bits of my sense of being a decent human, little pieces of my self respect, my character. I’ve got good coping skills but the stimulus always remains. Being transsexual is traumatizing to me, again and again. I did not choose to feel this way. I actively worked for a long time to feel otherwise. I am only so strong, and I feel pushed, again and again to the absolute bleeding edge of what I can take, and then over… and then I find myself, not yet completely destroyed, but having lost a piece of something crucial. Most of those pieces I have never regained. I carry a certain madness with me all the time, like a schizophrenia, along with a years long growing sadistic nihilism.

So far, I have made it through the painful experience of being transgendered, gaining remarkable insight into my sense of self, my feelings of who I am. Along the way I have learned about body psychology, gotten a degree in Sociology studying gender and sexuality. I learned practical applications of gender psychology in pick up artistry. I have learned about spirituality, Qi Kung, pleasure, pain. I learned hypnosis. I have developed an absurdly high pain tolerance, to emotional, mental and physical pain.

Thus, I think I have done better than many. Maybe I am doing worse than others. I do not know if I can continue. I was tired and spent years ago from this. I feel that the world has no place for hopeless situations, but such things sometimes exist. I feel that I may continue being eroded by this until I finally end it all in another year or two. There may not be a way for me to find greater peace, at least not one I know how to take. It appears to be something I have to find for myself, but I do not know if I can find it! What can I do?

I continue to feel locked out of humanity. The stimulus of my physical existence has and continues to often place me in pale-faced hyperventilating terror, or simply to break my heart. I feel like I am in a nightmare and my basic sense of being is in a state of constant conflict. How long am I expected to live this way? I’m always having to muster to get through it — can one muster forever? Can one hold onto hope through indefinite heartbreak? I think the costs to my sense of self have already grown to great in trying to do so, like I have almost broken my back carrying this burden. Yet I will wake up with it tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow….

Apparently this is my one and only experience of life on this planet. I endure, yes, one day at a time, but I think it’s destroying my soul on the same timeframe.

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