Archive for June, 2009

In about three months I went from being a centered cool person to feeling utter desperation. I think it’s because I felt so much pressure from attempting to shift my identity. Gradually, over most of 2008, even a little of 2007, I had come to a real sense of peace about my gender and sexual identity. I knew I was as queer as the day is long… but I had a lot of peace, and comfort in my body. I had gained deep insights into my feelings and desires to be a woman dating back to my earliest memories. I just felt comfortable for who I was and am.

The process of becoming more centered had involved lots of Wujifa, and lots of really going out there and pursuing my passions to try and build the life I wanted. I think, when I started feeling some of the deep anxiety about my sexual identity that I made the mistake of assuming all that progress I had made was a lie. Maybe it was because I’d only had just over a year of feeling confident and happy with myself, and it was easy to make excuses and write that off. Compared to the years leading up to that in which I mostly felt more like I’ve been for the last three months. I reengaged patterns I’d left behind a year, or some much longer, before. I fell into despair.

I notice that for the last two years, maybe longer, my passion in life was for authenticity. I worked towards it almost every day. For the last three months I don’t think that word has passed through my internal dialogue even once. Also, I worked constantly towards refining intention. Yet I simply let go of development of those principles that were so dear to me, and felt drawn further and further into things I thought I should do in order to be congruent with myself as a transsexual person. I went from wanting to slowly build a synthesizer business whilst saving for retirement to feeling trapped by money.

I stopped calling my sister, because I was not comfortable being heard until I perfected my vocal training. I stopped doing a lot of things that felt natural to me, because I thought they were violations of my identity. I felt a lot of pressure. I felt as trapped in that role as I would feel in a traditionally male role. I noticed I felt more and more trapped everywhere I went. Ironically, because I violated gender norms for so long I seldom felt too constrained by gender in my behavior or speech BEFORE I started trying to adapt my life to transsexualism. Hell, I seldom felt trapped in ANY norms. In the past year of being authentic and accepting myself, I always had a bent gender role. That’s different from what I was trying to do recently.

Anyways. I like calling myself a female name, or even something androgynous. I always liked my name before, also. I learned early in this process that I feel comfortable using pronouns differently. I also feel I will leave this experience with an even less standard gender norm than before. That is probably quite authentic for me, as anyone who has known me for a long time will probably attest to.

But as soon as I accepted that I had made a mistake, that the progress I was making up until March or April was legitimate, real progress towards authenticity and happiness, I felt as if the weight of the world lifted off of me. I am still reeling from what I have put myself through, and I feel it will take a little time, but I now feel like I am regaining my center.

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Lately I observe that my predecided feelings can get in my way. I have a repertoire of “vibes,” of known rational feelings that I can calibrate to. But in my explorations of connection, I notice if I am more open then sometimes there are significant feelings that I’ve been completely unaware of.

For example the feelings of connections to my students is often not what I expect it to be. Yet in taking time to notice, I find depth and importance in a different way than I knew. Likewise, last night I was about town with Elizabeth and I did not feel the feelings I am accustomed to calibrating as a “good vibe” or a way to notice connection with her.

However, I was able to open myself enough to notice something that had previously been outside my awareness and I began paying attention to that. I noticed a different, yet still powerful sense of connection to her. She even made the comment “I feel very close to you right now.”

I think if I had tried to shift things to more what I’d previously known and expected then I would have missed an entire opportunity for something nice. It was a beautiful, almost perfect evening.

Of course, this is only one example but it is a good one. I have observed similar quality of connections (though different in character) to my friends, or even (again, entirely different in character) an entire group of students, one by one (which really helped me manage a large class, especially since I’ve felt the good vibe waning with those students lately). There’s just so much there to notice, and the sense of rational feeling I’ve gained from Wujifa allows me to calibrate (which is dependent on intention, obviously).

Everything changes. As soon as I know what I’m looking for, I lose the flow and there’s a new thing to notice… a new one of those little feelings to which I can calibrate

My question is this: Can I gain clues about activity and calibrate to other intentions like succeeding in my business with this method? In other words, can this go beyond connections to people?

My other question: Is this emotional countertransference?

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