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Archive for July, 2009

What can I share other than perhaps I’ve gone off the deep end? My employer seems to be trying to get rid of me, indicates as much as “Teacher J won’t be here in six months” and then her husband tells me that “I know Charlotte is in charge of teachers, but I think you are a good teacher” and sits down for thirty minutes of heart to heart with me. Charlotte meets with me ten minutes before I teach to tell me how bad everything is. It seems the local community maybe thinks I’m gay and they want to get rid of me.

Part of me is really through with people, and society and is becoming pretty militantly transfeminist or maybe transmisanthropist would be a better way to say it. I don’t want to live in one of the twelve cities or so in the U.S. where I’d be safe from most any physical danger, yet I’m not willing to compromise on my personality. I’m also learning that when I try very hard to butch it up, even on first meeting, people still seem to think I’m a faggy McFagerstein somehow. Basically, if people don’t like queers, then I’m fucked anyways, so why not just relax and do what I want? What’s left is something like militancy.

My girlfriend thinks I’m trying to cheat on her when in reality I’m just trying to “hang out with the girls” . . give me a break, she even says that anyone bumping into me probably immediately assumes I’m dripping gay. So what’s the BFD?

And I’m not able to maintain my blood sugar properly or something. I’m having something akin to a breakdown almost every three or four weeks. But my Rolfer weighed me yesterday and I lost almost ten pounds in approximately ONE week. I’m down around 150 lbs now, which is absurdly low for me, who generally hovers between 168-175 and remains remarkably skinny at that weight. –You can see the bones in my face right now.

But I am eating lots of caloric food, fried foods occaionally, fish almost every day . . Supplements of Ensure, up to three a day. Everyone I know is losing weight here though. The food just lacks density or something. I’ve almost doubled my food budget and am eating as much as I can, but still losing weight. Lately it may have to do with stress of maybe losing my job.

But the net effect of all this is that I keep coming to the horribly Manic mixed-state I get in with low blood sugar. It’s frankly dangerous and personally and relationally damaging. My mom appears to have even stopped responding to my Emails. . . my friends here are feeling alienated. As usual, my girlfriend is horribly confused about my intentions (as always ends up happening with me, because being in that bad state, my thoughts, words and actions are completely disconnected from everything I normally say and do — totally incongruous).

So I’m going to two different therapists. In this country a Rolfer can do therapy, and also I’m seeing a psychiatrist hoping to get some sort of medicine. I know there are medicines now that help with Hypoglycemia, though I could see where a mood stabilizer might also be what’s warranted. I’ll discuss it with the doctor and see what I can do.

Approaching 30, I really want this to be over. I do not want this to be my life. I believe I am a good hearted and clever person. But I feel my simple basic desire to have a meaningful long term relationship has ben thwarted every year of my life. I also feel that my other goals keep getting drastically harmed by this recurring hypoglycemic nightmare. And yea, I think I am in a very real danger of killing myself one of these times.

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To the person who wants to break the system:

Why would you need the Drug Dealer’s Bible? Simple. You want to make. Lots. Of money.

Economics 101: Higher risk equals higher returns. If you want to sell illegal drugs, you risk incarceration, fines, social stigma, loss of relationships, even death. But the rewards can be high as well. It’s the ultimate extension of capitalism, but you’ll fail without the right principles. Learn what you need to know to avoid the pitfalls and do things right!, compiled from many real-world dealer’s real experiences. This is not legal advice. Go hire a lawyer for that. These are the compiled opinions, stories and experiences of many people who have “been there and done that” when it comes to selling drugs.

If you even *think* you know enough to “break the system” then you’re probably making one of the single biggest mistakes that drug sellers make. If so, then you’re just another one of those smart-asses who’ll get thrown in jail when you get pulled over at a routine traffic stop.

People have been buying, selling, and using drugs for thousands of years. Lately some governments have decided to try and stop one of the world’s oldest professions. The war on drugs has obviously failed entirely, even in totalitarian regimes, but it still leaves you with an opportunity to make money because of the inherant risks.

Here I am going to give you the opportunity to learn from the successes and mistakes of others. This book might even save you from:

–Going to Jail or Prison
–Wasting your time
–Wasting your money
–Losing your friends and family
–Getting killed

I’ll teach you the secret kung fu to being successful in business.

–Manage your supply
–Manage and maintain your customer base
–Keep a steady flow of product and cash
–Make sure you’re making and keeping as much money as possible

I’ll teach you the tactics police use to get around your fourth amendment rights.

Ever notice how some cops can be really friendly with people who they know have broken the law? I used to work at a Deli and one of my coworkers was facing a lot of legal charges. Thus he knew some of the cops in our area, and he would socialize with them. They’d sit and listen while he talked, and he would comment about how “cool” this or that cop was. Great tactic on the part of the officers. In the end, it’s good to be respectful and nice to police everywhere you go. But don’t talk to them or hang around them any more than you have to, no matter how “cool” or friendly they are.

They will:

–Try to continue talking to you by any means
–Walk along with you as you go or fail to inform you when you can leave
–Convince you that they’re “Cool”
–Make you feel special
–Outright lies. Police may not be required to tell the truth when trying to extract information. In cases of police interrogation, facts might be altered while the suspect is being questioned. You might be told “this is a small charge” when in reality the crime you’re being accused of could be very serious.

You will:

–Learn how to give away as little information as possible without drawing attention to yourself.
–Learn to take advantage of the one true thing they will often tell you, and potentially save yourself years of trouble.

Most important of all, I’ll teach you the internal thinking that you need in order for your business to remain invisible to almost everyone, yet profitable to you. This is going to blow your mind and will require a whole different way of thinking than what you’re used to. I will say this, my police officer friends will hate me for revealing this to you, because it puts you on equal internal footing to every single person who might try to stop you from doing what you’re doing.

In fact, if you follow this program of mental conditioning, you will have less emotional and mental baggage and hang-ups than most of the police officers you will ever encounter.

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Here’s one useful method to try now:

Decide on a piece of information to hide from someone in your next conversation. Notice any stiffness in your body, or alteration of your normal patterns that shows up. Then allow yourself to be okay with the fact that you’ve decided to decieve this person. If you’re a little uncomfortable, that’s okay too. Just let those feelings be there and notice that they won’t hurt you, and you still don’t have to tell the person anything you don’t want to.

Over time, using this method and others, I can help you get used to drawing the boundary of what information you wish to give away and what information you want to hide. I can also help you become comfortable and natural with this process until it is second nature for you to make those decisions freely and congruently. No one ever needs to know anything you don’t wish to tell them.

————————————————————————

In addition to the mental conditioning, police tactics and business sense, you will also recieve a carefully compiled list of tips, tricks, and things to avoid from several drug dealers who have “been there and done that” as well as one former police officer. The people who contributed to this part of the book come from different countries in North America, Europe, and Asia. The principles they express are powerful.

————————————————————————-

So why am I going to share all this with you?

When I was in college, I bought, sold and used a lot of drugs. I was twenty two when I was driving down the road with my friend who was drunk and high. I was high at the time and we had a lot of stuff on us. I saw, in the distance, a routine traffic stop on a bridge. I turned into a neighborhood and parked at a construction area. I realized later that was almost one of the defining moments of my life. If I had been cought, then now, many years later, I would not have my college degree (I would not have been able to get financial aid) and I would not be teaching English (criminal background means you can’t be a teacher), running several businesses (the money I used to start my businesses would have been tapped completely with legal fees) and travelling the world (my passport would have been revoked).

I have a good friend who, due to indescretions many years ago, is now suffering. He cannot get a passport and travel with his fiancee. He cannot receive financial aid to get a college degree or tech-school training to help him get paid better. And he cannot even vote for leaders who will represent him.

As harsh as the laws are in many countries, I have been privy to some special information. Many years ago I had an acquaintance who was a radio operator. We could tune into the frequencies of cellphone conversations and listen to them (this was in the days before everything became digital). Just randomly listening to cellphone calls revealed to us immediately how many people were buying, selling, and trying to get drugs. I was astounded (being a very young teenager at the time) and my eyes were opened that a huge number of people are participating in illegal drug trade. Regular people from all walks of life.

Honestly, I don’t think selling drugs is the best way to make money. However, I know enough about the world to know that many people are going to do it, and there is a huge demand for it. All the evidence I see points me to the fact that it would be better for all of us if you succeed in your goals whiles selling drugs, and you are not subjected to the life altering legal system.

The legal system tends to leave people with fewer options in life. I know enough to know that prison and jail make people worse, and leave people with the kinds of problems that drive them to do things that are harmful to themselves and others. So if you’ve decided to sell drugs, by all means, buy my book, benefit from the knowledge of several people who have been there and done that, as well as one former cop.

Then I want you to sell enough drugs to meet your goals. Then I want you to get out at the right time and enjoy the rest of your life. I want you to feel good about your choice, and I want you to have the best life you can have.

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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reactive_hypoglycemia

hmmmmm, maybe some useful stuff here for me.

Also the bit about very thin, smart children being more prone to hypoglycemia… Perhaps as our society has evolved to such high availability of meat, some of us are evolving to need it more? Its such a dense protein packet. And a thin body and huge fast working brain are pretty functional for third-tier and brainwork type society.

Scientists, I think, have isolated some genes that are only 500 years old or so in the human genome.

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Wujifa is powerful

I think I may have used a little force. However, when I do with more relaxation the feeling is even better.

I went back to doing laying down Shi Li last night. I haven’t done it in awhile, and it’s harder for me to find the place of neutral movement I’d found (where my chest is balanced with my belly as I have relaxed breaths — I suspect it may come from 3 and 4 being done better). However, the last place I left off, our senior most school brother I needed to spend some time with a single direction of movement for awhile, coming from relaxed and still…

So I just picked up where I left off. My movements were a little more jerky. And I’ve been spending the last few weeks finding solidity in my stance and laying down stance again… so it made sense to go back to ShiLi and Mobo.

Personally I think the directed intention aspect of it and noticing the ways my body connects to form a direction of strength and movement are VERY powerful. When I come from a relaxed place, and make those connections, it feels like a lot of energy is moving through me. It’s a good feeling, and in the past, as well as this morning, I woke up with more energy.

Oh yea, I’ve been waking up earlier since doing Wujifa more in the past few weeks.

Yea, so my problem is I’m probably forcing it a bit. I want to develop the connections and strength, and so for the practice I imagined the counter force was like the weight of the whole world. Today I will do it more like the weight of an apple and see what I notice…. One thing that paradoxically seems to take me in the best direction is to relax more (within the other paradox that relaxed is not limp).

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Nerditude Alert

Okay, I’ve finally made a D&D character that can be said to be “optimized” in some way. Normally I build them for story and take feats like “Mark of Evil” and “Lich Loved” because they are pretty cool for character, but they hardly make someone mechanically kickass in the game.

So now I’m playing a Cerebremancer. He’s from a famiy descended of a Vampire long ago (okay, not optimized, takes a level penalty here and there, but he’s got the bloodline that I think is bitchin’)

Level 10 Character: “William”

Flaws: Inattentive, Noncombatant
Feats: Precocious Apprentice, Practised Spellcaster (Caster level = 9)

Arcane Thesis: Scorching Ray
Easy Metamagic: Empower
Empower Spell (+1 level)
Arcane Mastery (Take 10 on Level Checks, even under duress)
Fell Drain (+2 Levels)

(Psionic) Expanded Knowledge: Hustle

Spells: As Sorcerer 6 (includes Cerebremancer levels)
Level 0 (7 known) (6/day) DC 13: Acid Splash, Detect Magic, Light, Resistance, Mage Hand, Launch Bolt, Horizikaul’s Cough

Level 1 (4 known) (6+1/day) DC 14: Serene Visage, Shield, Magic Missile, True Strike

Level 2 (2 known) (5+1/day) DC 15: Scorching Ray (Caster Level +2, Metamagic at -1 level), Alter Self

Level 3 (1 known) (3+1/day) DC 16: Dispel Magic

Powers: As Psion 8 (70 Power Points)
Offensive Precognition (1); Conceal Thoughts (1); Mind Thrust (1); Crystal Shard (1); Inertial Armor (1)

Psionic Read Thoughts (3 PP); Psionic Tongues (3 PP); Psionic Knock (3 PP); Psionic Suggestion (3 PP); Hustle (Psychic Warrior, Expanded Knowledge 3PP — Swift Action, Gain an extra move action)

Energy Bolt (5 PP), Telekinetic Thrust (5 PP), Body Adjustment (5 PP)

Mindwipe (7 PP), Dominate (7 PP), Schism (7 PP), Dimension Door (7 PP), Freedom of Movement (7 PP)

Basically he has some really neat synergies. First of all he can make way epic bluff checks as the Psionic bluffing buff and the Magic one are different types. Secondly he can metamagic and move because he has hustle. Thirdly Alter Self small, offensive precognition, and throw rays like a mo-fo (add in Schism to use some crystal shards). Finally: Scorching Ray = Level 2 slot for 3 rays x1.5 damage. That’s effectively 18d6 with three touch attacks. He can take ten against spell resistance and casts that at effectively 11th level, so anything under SR 21 had better have fire resistance. If it does I use psionic energy bolts. He can also counterspell anything that wizards can toss at him who aren’t CR’d for 2 or three encounters per day. And at 2 or 3 encounters per day, I go nova and just seriously fuck shit up. Finally, no matter what resistances they have, I have a way around it to nail them for level drains with fell drain.

Alright, my inner nerd is satisfied of bragging.

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I cannot seem to recall the clarity with which I was pursuing my goals up until maybe January. I knew what I wanted and was on the track to building those things, day by day, little by little… I constantly asked myself “what is my intention” and I think I had an idea of the answer.

Now I feel that I don’t know. I’m about to turn thirty and I feel that I have better opportunities behind me than in front of me. I don’t feel much freedom or possibility. I also finally feel listless and lost. I’m not sure why I’m doing anything I’m doing.

The last month at my job hasn’t helped. I find my Chinese boss inscrutable and apparently no one’s happy with what I’m doing. I asked the head teacher to speak with her, and he said that she informed him that she kept implying things to me. He informs me that she used the word “imply” at least 20 times in the conversation. Then he asked to observe my class and she said “well you probably won’t find anything wrong with it, so there’s no point in that.” I’m getting really nervous that she’s trying to get rid of me for some reason or another and I am not being told anything directly.

He observed my lesson and actually said I’m playing too many games so my class lacks rythym and flow. I guess that makes sense and I can change that but I don’t think that was my original problem, because I’ve only started obsessively trying to entertain the children in the last couple of weeks. . . and I’m running myself ragged every class trying to do it. Charlotte’s cutting back my hours, and I’m already pretty tight for cash right now. I’m feeling some days like I’m in a pressure cooker.

I dreamt last night I was in prison. I wasn’t being treated badly, but sometimes I saw friends there, who were visiting other people in the prison and happened to bump into me. . . they looked bright and happy, no need to focus on the negative, but the only thing I could manage to feel was trapped.

So I’m about to hit the stretches, then some Wujifa, then some towel twisting. I found Rolfers in Taipei and I think going through the full 15 phase approach will probably help me some.

I feel as if I’m learning a lot lately, but I don’t know how to integrate all I am learning and feeling. I feel pretty much lost. I’m having a lot of trouble sleeping also. I plan on getting a bicycle this week. Maybe it will save my sanity.

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So my recent foray into driving myself crazy trying to manage my impressions on other people did give me some cool insights. I’m gaining another level of understanding (i.e. doing) in the area of congruency. Attempting to fit in or present myself in any particular way, on any end of the gender or sexuality spectrum, can cause stress if I feel constrained by it. I mean, I don’t feel congruent when I cannot so much as open my mouth except that I worry about the impression I made on people vis a vis a femme identity, but I also feel pretty fucking crazy if I walk around wearing khaki’s and drab shirts and acting super butch…

Sometimes Rick has mentioned wearing what’s appropriate to the party. I guess to an extent that’s cool, but I’m also just noticing that sometimes I don’t have those attitudes in a way I can be congruent with. I mean, if Joan Jett wants to hang out at church, she’s gonna seem out of place to everyone no matter what she does, or if Rob Halford wants to go to church, I think he’s going to stick out as a Faggy McFaggerstein no matter what he does.

Living in a small community makes me more aware of how much I’ve always lived on the fringes of culture. It’s just that the cloth used to be quite long — there were more fringes to hang out with. Now, in a small world of expats, in a small town where I stick out like a green rabbit, I can sometimes feel pretty isolated…

But aren’t all the cool people in the world pretty effin queer anyways? Either by word, behavior, image, or all of it?

Axel Rose (and his whole band), Joan Jett, David Bowie, Annie Lennox, Robert Plant, All the Motown Girls prior to the more femme Supremes, Mick Jaggar, Kurt Cobain, Hendrix, Halford, Madonna, Bjork, Hope Sandoval (Mazzy Star), Billy Idol, Boy George, Rick James, PRINCE!. . . . all Just off the top of my head!

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