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Posts Tagged ‘death’

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I’m going through an intense process right now where I’m learning the way of the heart. It’s something totally new to me. It has felt like a knowing beyond thought or emotion and it has been powerful. We’ve been in this pilgrimage and staying true to that, the truth that I cannot even see. I find myself standing in pitch darkness, as this way of living, feeling and breathing is not something familiar to how I used to be, but with some profound sense of grace that seems to keep guiding me, as I stand firm in the dark, I begin to see even the dark transformed into a kind of light… I am still learning to find the words to be able to express this in a very grounded and practical way, but trust me on this – this way that I am discovering is revealing itself to be far more practical and efficient than anything else I have ever known. I believe the words through which I can express this to others will come more clearly in time.

The simple joys of life… its actually what I am also using as a foundation for every step that I am taking now… a foundation of keeping the simple pleasures as a real treasure and gift… and it seems to propel me somehow to a deeper sense of knowing who I am.

I guess that is the question that has gained in intensity for me over the years, to truly know what and who I am not merely as a soul, but as a presence, in my very essence, beyond this body and my circumstances…. it is not only for me that I ask this question, but out of love for the world and everyone and everything that I cherish.

There is an old saying that I am truly beginning to understand now – you may have heard of it – “Physician, Heal Yourself First!” Only then can I truly help to heal others, by resolving my own blocks and fears. I feel this is a worthy path – a powerful way to walk in life. My deepest love to you and for you.

Brother, ‘go with the flow’ has become such empty meaningless words that stand more to say, “do whatever you feel like’ rather than about following one’s true INTENT – which can create NEW FLOWS – which is the Master of the flow itself. What people in the world most find themselves struggling with now is these empty philosophical cliches they carry around, deceiving themselves that they are somehow ‘faking it to making it’… but there ARE WORDS – perfect words – to express in every single moment, that are an emanation of the Sri Yantra… of the primordial fractal…. there are indeed words for this… and by saying I am learning to find the words, the deeper intent is that I am learning the mystery and mastery of alignment with oneself. The flow is a servant to the divine, not vice versa.

But to do that, first one aligns with the flow… one becomes merged with it… and then one CHANGES IT.

I know when I say your ‘new age cliches’ of ‘follow the flow’ are a block to you, you find yourself then faced with not knowing WHERE to STEP or what CHOICE to make… which is why you keep running back to the cliches… but as a dear divine friend told me a few days ago, there is great joy in PUSHING against one’s own shackles.

I wish to see those around me free, I wish to see myself free – in order to do that I have had to muster the balls to truly, objectively, look at the texture of my own prisons… those handcuffs I have painted gold and yet named them my prized jewels… and though there is a truth in that my own blocks, wounds and fears, as I become free, become the very weapons of freedom that I can then pass onto others… first they still must be seen for the prisons that they are.

I am learning not to get caught in catch-22s and circular arguments – as they are slow and life-sucking, and ultimately – FALSE.

There are no catch-22s. The paradox is that there is no paradox. That is not a circle.

This has become a very simple question for me, simple yet incredibly potent – the intensity of the question – WHO AM I? WHAT AM I? And what stands between ME and ME?

Do you truly ask yourself this? Or do you run from it? It is a question to be asked from the very core, to at the very least be honest about the choices we are making. I refuse to lie to myself any longer – it makes me evolve at breathtaking speed, and I embrace it.

Others can muster the courage to keep pace…. or to die slowly rotting in their own dungeons and fears… but sacrifice is not the way of true joy. I must FLY to my ancient home. None and nothing shall stand in my way now.

Much love.

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And with every death, a rebirth.

I noticed the moment of change.  I saw it happen.  I’ve gotten good at seeing it and I love Aranofsky’s films above all.  Mickey Rourke’s character has asked the stripper to have a regular relationship with him.  She said she couldn’t do it.  He screws things up completely with his daughter, but the stripper comes back to him.  It happens in one perfect instant.  You can feel it, she opens up.  Two human beings in a dance.  Everything he’d asked her for, laid there in front of him, her trusting her innocence enough to make that leap.

But he misses it, he’s already closed down, maybe because of his daughter or maybe because he’s lost faith in himself.  I can only recommend “the Wrestler” as one of the best films I think I’ve ever seen.

I love watching movies to see these kinds of changes.  It’s beautiful to see even in a stupid movie like H.E.A.T. where DeNiro has a clear moment, his dying motion, in the hotel when his girl wants him to just leave with her and he jumps back into this murky, deadly world he cannot seem to let go of, long before Pacino guns him down.  Contrasted to Kilmer, who keeps his course and walks away.

I see them in my own life, as I saw the moment where everything changed with my girlfriend.  I felt it as certainly as you might notice the sun break the mountaintops.  It’s a worthwhile practice, noticing what changes.

The other thing I recently caught was my tendency to judge my actions in a situation by how peaceful, blissful, or easy the encounter felt.  However, I’m also seeing that the right thing doesn’t always flow that way, sometimes deceptions are called for, or ‘worse.’  And my judgements do little but get in the way.  The only barometer I can find for this is my own innocence.

The last few weeks, I needed to make sure I wasn’t loosing it to chemical reactions in my head when I entered the dance with my girl.  “Love” is pretty common and about as “special” as taking a shot of whiskey (both stimulate the opium receptors in the head).  I choose to stay aware, continue growing and learning.  My intention is to build connection, not just read a lot of magical mystical bullshit into an endorphine high.

The only way I find is to center myself upon the reality of death, coupled with a type of self-enquiry, and the transience of everything becomes clear.  For keeping a steady mind, death is the only worthwhile advisor.

Still today, after such a deeply intentional strike a couple of weeks ago, severing the head of a decades-long addiction, I find the difficult part is when no decisive strikes are needed…  indeed, the times when NOTHING is needed.  The hardest thing, perhaps, is silence.  I still want to think of myself as “the one who did this or that,” worse yet “the one who does this or that.”  ….and I feel that’s the road back to hell.

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