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Posts Tagged ‘Qi Kung’

I read an absolutely genius website recently: http://www.nononsenseselfdefense.com/FEARvsDANGER.html

This guy has the clearest ideas of real-world violence and violent human behavior that I’ve ever read. This reminds me of a lot of what we always say is “good kung fu.” I.E., there’s almost always a nonviolent way out, and why were you somewhere that violence was likely in the first place? In other words for violence to actually be “necessary,” you have to have made a series of complete fuck-ups leading up to that situation. Then, to actually “defend” yourself is usually to find the fastest path to escape.

Further, as I’ve always thought, there’s no such thing as a “fight” outside of duels and sparring. It isn’t a real barfight or street fight unless somebody is likely to draw a knife, gun, or bat or someone’s friend or associate is likely to draw one while you aren’t looking. No one is trying to “fight.” Either they are trying to warn you off with a threat display, they’re giving you an ultimatum (usually with some option to leave or exit without violence) or else they’re trying to murder you (because you declined their ultimatum or you already did something to ‘earn’ getting killed, like screwed their wife or screwed them in a drug deal).

But this guy takes it all a step further. He shows how people take the rules from their part of society and expect them to apply everywhere and in all situations, basically becoming bigotted pricks everywhere they go. Essentially people expect to break some of the ‘rules’ (screwing someone’s wife, going to a drug party in the ghetto) whilest assuming that other ‘rules’ will protect them (no one shoots people, no one violates my body without my permission). By this method, a lot of middle class men get shot and a lot of middle class girls get raped, simply by assuming their “rights” are god-given instead of society given.

He lays everything out so lucidly as to point to the simple truth: If you are oriented to reality as it is, rather than what you think it should be, you are always in a more powerful position.

This showed me that the way we’ve built up our society is good in some ways. I definitely like the fact that most of the time the greatest risk I suffer as a consequence of my words or actions is hurt feelings. That’s a safer world to live in than a barbaric one of constant possible violence. But we also effectively use this setup to manipulate situations to our benefit. At the end of the day, the person with the most savvy in whatever system they are in, is usually able to gain the most power, toys, money, or whatever….  and in the end, most people are playing to win.

Even playing “by the rules” is probably playing to win, through reputation, some sense of self-respect (boosting ego/confidence), social and personal justification, or else to marshall the rules in one’s favor as a protective measure (It’s nice to be able to manipulate social power in someone’s face while they cannot do anything about it because the “rules” protect your theivery, hate speech, backstabbing connivances, or stupid and self-serving actions). Most people surely hide their own attempts to “win” from themselves, because if they realized how twisted and ruthless their own games were, they might “lose” some of the psychological cookies that their social rules system gives them.

All this points me a clear direction: Know my intention, and act utterly in accordance with it…  hide nothing from myself — my sense of ‘fairness’ seems to mostly be a strategy from my childhood to manipulate those around me, so set it aside entirely and play ruthlessly, simply, absolutely to succeed. My “morals” will never be a stand-in for innocence.

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Years ago I took the LSAT.  I kept pre-testing in the 169-170 range with occasional tests as high as 174. And I was time constraining myself, using real LSATs, etc. I even did things like take the worst of four to six test sections in order to try and lower my score. So I felt quite excited about taking the test.

Well, test day came and I bombed it at 164. A mere 90th percentile borders on a waste of test paper when it’s one that 150,000 people take every year. At least that’s how I felt about it. I wrote good essays and applied late to a few schools.  I had some acceptances and some decent scholarship offers. At the end of it all I opted not to go when it was time to sign for loans. I didn’t really want to be chained to law school and debt. Maybe the gods were looking out for me when I got that crappy score, since I think I’m better off not having gone. It would have been harder to say “no” to Columbia U.

Just this morning I woke up with one of those flights of fancy where I was considering taking the test again. I think I could do a lot better. My kung fu is better, and I have a clearer mind.  Maybe I could get a near perfect score and go to Harvard or something. The funny thing is I no longer even have aspirations to become a lawyer. I like my life as a teacher, designer, and indy manufacturer, which are probably more congruent with my character anyways.

But I still got such a cool feeling from thinking about it, considering what it would be like to do it. It’s so easy to think through possibilities and get all kinds of tingly pleasurable feelings. And for once I realized that must be my real intention, the peaceful blissful feeling the fantasy gives me. Even when I’m working towards doing it, in the middle of the difficult parts, I’m thinking it may be that feeling of bliss based on the fantasy of where it will take me that keeps me going. I’m bothered by the notion that might be my real main intention.

So this morning I said “fuck it” for a few minutes and just enjoyed that feeling, since it seems to be all I want most of the time anyways. This got me reflecting on my business. I wonder if I could set aside those feelings for awhile and have a clearer head about the steps I can take to make my manufacturing venture more successful. Thus far, lovely designs, pre-orders, generating buzz…  all that is just serving the purpose of giving me some sort of high. I suspect getting paid will make me feel the same. It’s not as if I don’t have plenty of money now, so what does more of it do for me?

But if that’s REALLY my only intention, effectively an ego gratification, then why not just enjoy the fantasy, draw it all out….  of one falls through, pick up another one. I’m afraid I might do just that. In fact, I’m wondering at this point just how much I *am* doing just that, with Wujifa, meditation, business, even my relationship with my lover. Surely this begs me to look further, to see if I have intentions beyond just feeling bright, shiny, and blissed out.

And why do these fantasies make me feel those lovely feelings? Maybe because the thoughts of my goals make me feel special, stroke my ego, gratify my sense of self. I determined awhile ago that my fear seems to be lack of something to identify with, to think of myself as being. But SURELY there has to be worthy intention beyond that empty naval-gazing roller coaster of a life. At the very least, I must have some intention beyond sensations. What is it?

Perhaps if I knew then I would take my Wujifa practice more seriously, make better decisions in my business, and contribute more to my students. Maybe I would find more depth in my relationship with my girlfriend, and contribute better insight to her.

Perhaps I could get past this plateau in meditation.

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“The method is medicine”

“Method is not the truth, once you get the feeling, get rid of the method.  But even feeling can become a method at some point.”

“It’s okay to take medicine when you’re sick, but if you keep taking the medicine after you’re better, it becomes dysfunctional.”

So I started noticing major gaps in my perception.  For instance, why was I willing to gloss over major issues in the film “Eat, Pray, Love” when almost every human in the free world seems to realize that movie was hollow, vapid, and patronizing.  Even as I watched it and felt the vapidness of the spirituality portrayed, some of the underlying spite in the main character, and got pissed at the way she treated her teacher, I sort of set that at the edge of my consciousness and thought, “well, she’s being braver than most people I’ve met.”

Likewise, I’ll admit, for a long time, in a tough situation I will sometimes not trust my feeling when I listen to someone.  Instead of intuition, I look to one of two things, “What is this person REFUSING or TERRIFIED to consider?” and “What is irrationally pissing this person off?”  Normally one of those two things will reveal where someone is stuck.  They’re quite effective.  But of course, resorting to those two methods every time has a deadness to it.  This is rooted in my fundamental lack of trust in myself.

Frankly, I’m refusing to and terrified of trusting myself, or of trying to step out and move and live and flow in the reality of the moment, instead leaning back on method to avoid taking the tougher steps.  This has been showing up to me for months in my Qi Kung.  When I get to a certain particular spot, it’s like I’ve absolutely done as much as I can with the Qi Kung I’m comfortable with, and I start needing to do some new excercises, specifically some that are challenging or even scary for me….  I can even go into that to a certain extent…  but there’s something, a blind spot, a space where I turn away and distract myself as rapidly as possible.

So I got wrapped up in studying Chinese.  On top of that, I started obsessing over it.  And then being a coward about it on top of that.  Moreover, I was taking every mistake I made too personally….  even making it into a wedge between my girlfriend and I.

And lately, I’m blocking something so drastically that I’ve nearly had four or five motorcycle accidents this week.  That’s from “nearly having” ZERO for the whole year I’ve been here.  I’m a good driver folks, and I can speed around on one of these things with major margins of error to play with….  now, suddenly, I’m almost running into people because I’m not looking?  What gives?

More spelling errors and such… The kinds of things no one else would notice (except some of my kids), but they reveal to me that I’m just thinking differently.  Why?  How?  Well, three things come to mind that I might be avoiding::

Something to do with Cheryl.  Obviously it’s intimidating to build a close relationship with somebody.  I do catch myself blocking my own energy and not making as free and easy of a connection sometimes in the days leading up to when I’ll see her.  I don’t know if it’s a pattern or something I can deal with with her, or what.  I’ll see her this weekend and just be honest about it when I’m talking to her.  At least we’re both honest about our intentions and how we feel….  that should be helpful.

Something to do with my business.  Obiously I’d like this to be successful.  But of course there’s a lot of hard work.  It’s easy to want to obscure innaction and laziness with “patience.”  I think I actually know how to manage this effectively and I seldom don’t know what the next step or two is that I should take….  yet it’s easy to not want to do anything.

My Qi Kung, and meditation….  okay, I’m sure there IS something here.  First of all, I haven’t been meditating very much for the last couple of months.  Maybe when I ended my previous addiction, it left me with a big space…  like, wow…  what do I do?  I know that sounds kind of stereotypical, but there is something to it.  Also, I get scared sometimes when my meditation connects me with a sense of eternity or timelessness…..  And my Qi Kung.  It’s easy to not want to go past a certain point, like I said above.  But not just because the excercise is scary, but because the results, like the meditation, can also be difficult to deal with….  Some part of me wants to settle into what I’ve learned and just stay there forever.

I’m reminded of how it seems like things always go the smoothest with Cheryl when I am constantly aware of the truth that everything changes.  So I never expect to sit our relationship down on one spot and keep it there forever.  It’s nice when things have a predictability for awhile, but I always proceed with the awareness that things evolve and change.  I never know exactly where they’re going, or when they’ll shift, but all I can seemingly do is observe all this peacefull.  That’s been a very fruitful attitude to have.

Maybe I should start applying this to my business, meditation and Qi Kung…. After all, Wujifa is nothing but Daoism in Practice.  “In the Dao, Everything Changes.”  What did you expect?

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“In every victory is a defeat, in every death a rebirth.”

In our KungFu, WuJiFa, we focus on connection, intention, groundedness.  Through deceptively simple exercises we refine these to a high degree.  This is how we excel at “the Qi Kung of dancing, drinking, and fucking.”

Maybe you knew me long enough to know that I didn’t want being transgendered to dominate my life.  Maybe you knew me well enough to know that while I make no judgements about it in general, I knew that some aspects of it were obsessive for me, tantalizing, crazy-making.

The biggest trigger point has always been relationship.  Opening my heart, I could feel as if the whole universe were wrapping around me, holding me, reaching out to lift me up and support the liquid flow of openness between two people — if and only if I were a woman.

Thus, many times I shut my heart.  In fact, while sometimes I would go awhile without feeling gender dysphoria, I never managed to make a sexual connection in my life without it, and I mean a hefty dose of it.  Enough to drive me close to suicide many times.

Recently, though, I used the Qi Kung.  I let myself feel all the sensations of connection, of opening and beautiful flowing, touching, holding that I once only reserved in the box I called “womanhood”…  I used my orgasmic breathing techniques to amplify all this.  Then I very specifically connected all this in a grounded way, with touch and movement and awareness, back to my own body, simply….  flowed in it.

For months I’d been praying to lord Ganesha, every time I would find myself in the throes of teeth gnashing addiction I would focus on him.  And that act, that final act, clear focus and grounded connection was a killing blow.

So here I am, feeling the blankets on my own skin like I’ve never felt before, feeling my weight through my legs, feeling my shoes, feeling my fingers and toes, everything so lucid.  And I’m in a relationship, my heart is open, I feel her clearly, I listen, I appreciate her without any pain.  I don’t feel blocked in my affections or any flow of any part of myself….  It borders on miraculous considering I’ve been unable to do this for the last fifteen years I’ve been dating and having sexual relationships.

Now, senses emerging, feelings of self and openness….

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“All sickness comes from loneliness. ALL.”

Loneliness. To feel incomplete, empty, unfulfilled – to yearn for something you feel you don’t have yet. In an illusion of time, to forget about timelessness. To constantly journey to fill oneself up, to walk to and fro, from school to work to retirement, every now and then being hit with loneliness and falling sick. And when the loneliness is really gripping, it manifests into greater diseases. If you don’t want to fall sick, all you have to do is find your completeness – to be self-sustained – self-fulfilled. Because to feel incomplete is to leave yourself feeling broken, only half-fixed, half created, easy to fall apart. Even structurally, no half-constructed building can last nor stand firm. Then, how can the body, when the mind feels incomplete?

So lately, my social life has about been a bust.  It seems that many times I’ve tried to go out and socialize, romantically or just with pals, a million things have gotten in my way.  If I go to all the trouble to get out to Taipei, then something bad happens, stuff gets complicated, someone can’t meet with me, I get sick, wires get crossed and meeting times are mixed up, etc, etc, etc.  It’s been a strange situation.  Part of it is because I live in a somewhat remote location now.  It takes a lot of effort or expense (often both) for me to go anywhere that other people will be.

And I’ve had the most persistent sickness I have ever had in my life.  It started with a fever.  Then I had a week of being unable to speak.  I had a week or two of a cold.  I had one week when I could barely hear at all.  I had gotten used to it almost, having been sick for 7 whole weeks.  I had adapted to the point where I just accepted I couldn’t do much on the weekends and wondered if I should cancel business meetings and tutoring sessions during the week.  It’s been wretched.

I know some things require moving through with definite intention (optimally like Qi Kung pushing hands — always moving forward but never resisting).  And I know some things require not fighting and just going with the flow, the intention being acceptance.  I’ve not really known if this is a time to notice what choices I’m making and move forward, to seek the answer to this situation and make a new choice, or just sit back and accept that it will all work out.

But, Saturday night I went to a concert.  I had heard about it through a new friend who lives in a different city.  When I arrived, I checked my email and discovered my grandmother seems to be winding down, finishing up, getting ready to leave this planet.  It was a bit odd because I really only found out by reading facebook updates from my family.  I felt saddened, or at least very introspective.  Had I done a good job of treating her well when I was there?  Did I make peace with her when she was alive?  Is there anything else I need to do to contribute to my family?  What about the situation with my uncle, should I use this opportunity to speak with him?  Could he listen and maybe bond with his brother during this time of grieving?  I almost decided not to go to the show.  But after walking around for awhile and eating some M&Ms, I went back to the concert hall and walked in.

I am very glad as the music was quite special.  The band had a vibe light seeing beauty in darkness.  They played these wide, expansive washes of synths and distorted guitars that morphed easily from bright light to pulsating darkness with stark echoing vocals overlaid upon them.  Underneath, the beats made the music very danceable.  The snippets of lyric here and there were consistent with this vibe . . .  all from a tight and experienced professional band.

Now, my friend who had told me about this band is rather into movies and music that put one against the darker side of life.  Her favorite movies are very intense ones and the music she loves has all these textures of life, like i described above.  As the show progressed and I got into the vibe, I felt that the band’s purpose really was to help people see beauty in loss and uncertainty and certain universal senses of darkness.  I could feel the foreboding aspect of the beautiful washes of sound really affecting the people around me at a primal level, even as I felt the music driving me to see above the ocean of hopelessness we can sometimes feel as humans….  To dance on those vibes was to truly see the light in the darkness.

Of course, music like this, like a good story, is discovered, and the band could replace any of its members — the music is of a popular sort nowadays and it feels like it has an important purpose, even if it is subconscious to most listeners.

Also, the way I was dancing and paying attention to the music helped me to feel it much more deeply.  I was taking a Wujifa stance to dance from, which felt as if I were moving the whole world underneath me with my feet.  This enhanced the awareness of my own heart being the center of the entire universe, and of the feeling that everyone in the room was myself reflecting back to me…  it was even as if the lights and the support beams were one with me, and just myself speaking back to me (this is a meditation that a close friend of mine had suggested — but until that night I hadn’t been able to do it without a lot of effort and concentration).  The dance felt like a powerful Earthquake.  Earthquakes are one of my favorite things in the whole world.

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After the show, I met my friend from Taichung who had told me about the show.  Actually, I had met a few other people, including the band that I was to see on Sunday night.  Those guys were really cool.  However, I and my friend from Taichung were quite excited to see each other.  We got to spend a little time walking around, hanging out.  But she had also come with a work friend (mostly, I think, as she didn’t have any money and needed someone to give her a bit of a loan).  So, though I would have loved to have just sat in a coffee house and chatted with this girl into the night, or walked around a park, we needed to part ways so they could get to their hotel room.

Several of my pals were at a birthday party at a club, but I decided I wasn’t in the mood to go dancing.  So I called another friend, who invited me to come by her house.  Both of us have clearly had sexual intentions for some time.  However, after I was around her for a few minutes, I started to get the clear feeling that she really needed someone to speak with.  She told me a very long story about the last few months of her life, and what had been drawing her down towards feeling depressed and self-hating.  Also, she’s lost a lot of friends recently, which is always sad.  She asked me for advice.  I gave her advice on the practicalities of a dispute she was in.

But more importantly, as we talked, it came out that she had been trying to live more authentically.  I shared something I say to a lot of people, but most people don’t seem to really grok.  I said that it’s very easy to use the truth as a way to market myself.  Like I have my collection of stories I tell under certain circumstances.  I can gather from a situation if it would be good for someone to think of me more in one light or another, more safe or more sexual, more respectable or more badass, more femme or more masculine, etc, etc….  so I can just cherry pick the truth to build the vibe I want for whatever my intention is.  This is 90% of why I am very socially savvy.

I told her about this and told her I’m pretty sick of doing this kind of marketing and I want, more than anything else, to just be real and honest all the time.  She actually felt the same way, and was beginning to try and do this herself.  It was so nice just to share that with someone.  By the time we’d finished talking, I was sack tired, and also the sexual vibe had kind of melted away…  I went to sleep feeling a bit lonely.  I had come over and largely done for someone else.  I guess this girl also told me a couple of times that she loves me, which makes me tend to tread quite carefully.

Beyond that, the vibe wasn’t quite there for me.  I mean, when she came back out wearing her underwear, I felt astonishingly turned on.  But at the same time, it’s very easy to look at a person and feel where they’re coming from and know what it would be to share time with them…  to have them in my bed…  to spend time being romantic or just to fuck.  Honestly, I just don’t feel it with this girl.  Not that I don’t like her.  It’s only that right now I don’t think she has the feeling I’m looking for.

I say I went to sleep feeling a bit lonely — actually, I was feeling very lonely.  I think the reality of my grandmother’s death was still sinking in, along with just feeling dog tired.  And the girl was clearly playing with where her emotional barriers were with me.  My guess is that she couldn’t tell if she felt safe with me or not…  and all that oddness, moments of extreme openness mixed with distance and pushing away, was taxing me as well.

Immediately after I fell asleep, Taiwan had its first Earthquake in months.  A very large one by everyone’s account.

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I woke up sicker still.  Sunday was pretty bad.  Monday was far worse, and I had to work on Monday.  But by Monday evening, I was starting to feel it waning.  I bought some whiskey and honey, damming the codeine cough syrups and decongestants that the doctors had given me, and sipped at a half shot of each.  Then I decided to go to the hospital, as I was in reality very very sick.

Now, I hadn’t expected much from this visit, as I’d gone to the doctor on average almost once a week since getting sick.  People spoke with me as if I must have neglected this illness in order to have been sick for so long.  But once again, the doctor told me this isn’t something that can be treated by antibiotics.  He gave me those SOLELY to prevent a secondary infection, but just gave more decongestants and told me to try and keep my sinuses unobstructed.

But I’d already started feeling myself getting tuned back into a sense of wholeness.  I have to be honest and say I haven’t fully gotten it yet.  However, I can feel it as one choice to be made, one current to be tapped into.  And perhaps I can learn to let go of the attachments that I see so starkly clear that created the loneliness that plunged me into such a long and intense sickness to begin with.  Attachments to companionship, mostly.

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Amidst my loss of equilibrium earlier this week, I opened Tantric Quest at random.  I came to a place where Devi was describing how nothing can be rejected in Tantra, how we have too many half-fullfilled desires, too many half-accomplished actions due to all the cultural hazings and moral restrictions posed upon us.  That to create an asceticism that nurtures some kind of ‘purity’ born of all those concepts would be to kill the spirit. 

In the same section she also described how the “distractions” and “disturbances” that arise during our meditation can be incorporated into the process instead of trying to cultivate them out.  That in fact, they nourish the calm even further, the way the clouds nourish the clear sky or the shooting stars nourish the night time.  (I apologize, I cannot quote directly as I lent my book last night, I will later make an addendum)

She also mentioned the heart meditation, observing the breath passing through the heart chakra.  So I returned to this meditation, simply watching my breath go by, as I centered myself at my heart, like the wind blowing across my face in a train station as the train goes by.  In a little while, I started feeling equanimity again, relaxed and alert.  And the heart’s equanimity truly rejects nothing, makes no distinctions.  It is all bliss.

The practical effect yesterday was this:  I drove to a party last night with a friend.  It was a nice motorbiking day across our tropical island to a country club in Taipei.  It was nice to have a partner to ride with as well, someone to share the experiences, the beautiful places we passed, the wind, the sun, the rain.

But the rain started really coming down after awhile.  And riding a motorcyle this is hard to deal with, almost impossible in a gale.  My helmet doesn’t have a visor, so I could barely see at times.  Yet I continued doing the heart meditation, and I started noticing what choices I was making.  I noticed a very solid, powerful choice. 

Though I considered trying to stop and abandon my scooter for a cab and then find it again later, though I found the squinting against the driving rain difficult, I still noticed that my heart was making a choice for solidity.  Any of these paths would have been okay (continuing driving, taking public transportation, getting a cab).  In the past, I might have “pressed forward” with an attitude of one foot in front of the other, or some other ego need to make things go a certain way. 

I had enough equanimity to not be worried what happened or what I choce to do, yet enough clarity to know I would get there and get home just fine.

The Kung fu of this was very powerful.  Again, my vision was incredibly limited, yet I was able to drive perfectly well, and very safe, even following a bus across Taipei to get to the party (which is hard because the bus can make left turns at intersections, but I had to go to the right, then wait for the light to change, then catch up again).  And the ride back, somehow the stinging rain in my face on the freeway was irrelevent, pleasant even as we flew down the coastal road.  As for my limited vision, it just allowed me to tune into the what I could see and feel and go forward with alertness and calm.

I drove in these conditions for a total of three hours or so, aware of absolute calm and certainty inside myself the whole time.  The entire experience was of the type of Kung Fu that would allow me to lead expeditions across jungles.  I also realized it would keep me alive in a battle, or help me make the right decisions in a very tight situation.  It was a beautiful choice, not made from the mind, but made through the equanimity of my heart.  A very powerful kind of freedom.

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Maybe the Self-inquiry has led to this.  Just below all the surface chatter, habits of my mind and little distractions and entertainments, only a couple of questions keep pulsing, and a few truths.  I continue to watch my thoughts like leaves in the wind and ask, “who is it that is thinking all this?  Who is it that enjoys this?”  It feels, in a way, as if that’s the only real question I asked my whole life.  Doesn’t that simply take “what is your intention” that much further?

Last night I was engaged in my deep orgasmic breathing, my favorite fruit of all the Qi Kung I’ve ever studied.  I lay for a great long time amidst the continual pleasure, so personal and so specifically mine, in both emotion, feeling, and thought (and pleasure is a lot like pain in that way, so individual, so incredibly and deeply intimate, and quite unique at high levels of intensity).  As I was sort of gradually coming down, I remembered a feeling — one I have only thought of occasionally in the past decade.

The feeling was from a dream I had more than a decade past.  I think it was a dream from 13 years ago.  In the dream, I was a leader of a group of nature loving rebels and we overthrew our mechanical opressors, using old technology and such.  There was an assassination, and all that.  But above all, at the beginning of the dream, the beginning of my life in this tribe, I was joined to one of two sisters.  These sisters danced a bright dance of light, being two green lights that flew through the darkness, they danced a long goodbye with each other, a sad parting for two that were so close, and immediately one of them flew directly into my chest, and was with me, I could feel her being coursing through me entirely.  Throughout the dream her presence gave me power, strength, and insight.

Only in something like devoted religious ecstacy, immense sexual pleasure, the highest moments of dance, and when I am with the lovers that only dreams can provide, have I felt this kind of presence, fulfilled and united with something that fills me so purely.  Of course, it is the way we dream lovers when we are only children.  So last night I remembered this feeling and started to really focus on it, remember it, turn it around in my hand as well as I could, grasp it and feel it.  In my state of ecstacy and pleasured fulfillment, I could hold it sometimes for an interval.

And it occured to me, this feeling of  “presence” could well be a part of myself I’ve symbolized and externalized.  That or it could genuinely be the divine wishing to be united with me.  Perhaps both are true, but I am entering into the realm of stories now that I cannot yet verify either way.  However, I decided to plunge myself wholly into the feeling, emptying myself and becoming the very presence I cherished, my hollow eyes like the sides of a glass in which this spirit dwealt.

And I felt it again, similar to that dream so long ago.  Then I felt a change in me.  I ceased to be one who was experiencing the presence, and fully became the intelligence of that being itself, that being touching the world, moving in my body.  A part of me or a part of the divine which is a part of me, or something else, I cannot say.  I don’t know these things very well, but the closest answer is it seems to me to be both.  But I feel truer myself, and more able to live myself authentically and powerfully.  Where this will go, I have no idea, all I can do is continue down the path.

However,  it is another step in things I care greatly about, something deeper beyond all those surface floating thoughts.  Something deeper than the rustling leaves that make the same sounds again and again.  Even though all that wind continues, I can still choose to devote myself to the deeper part, no?  Just because I hear the habitual self dialogue doesn’t mean it owns me, or I am it.  For now it’s just a habit that remains, something that seeks to entertain something.

Typing all this, I can see so many judgement people might make about me right now.  However, I remain grounded and clear-minded.  From this standpoint I choose to be courageous enough to discover these mysteries, whatever their true nature may be.

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