Posts Tagged ‘self indulgent’

Years ago I took the LSAT.  I kept pre-testing in the 169-170 range with occasional tests as high as 174. And I was time constraining myself, using real LSATs, etc. I even did things like take the worst of four to six test sections in order to try and lower my score. So I felt quite excited about taking the test.

Well, test day came and I bombed it at 164. A mere 90th percentile borders on a waste of test paper when it’s one that 150,000 people take every year. At least that’s how I felt about it. I wrote good essays and applied late to a few schools.  I had some acceptances and some decent scholarship offers. At the end of it all I opted not to go when it was time to sign for loans. I didn’t really want to be chained to law school and debt. Maybe the gods were looking out for me when I got that crappy score, since I think I’m better off not having gone. It would have been harder to say “no” to Columbia U.

Just this morning I woke up with one of those flights of fancy where I was considering taking the test again. I think I could do a lot better. My kung fu is better, and I have a clearer mind.  Maybe I could get a near perfect score and go to Harvard or something. The funny thing is I no longer even have aspirations to become a lawyer. I like my life as a teacher, designer, and indy manufacturer, which are probably more congruent with my character anyways.

But I still got such a cool feeling from thinking about it, considering what it would be like to do it. It’s so easy to think through possibilities and get all kinds of tingly pleasurable feelings. And for once I realized that must be my real intention, the peaceful blissful feeling the fantasy gives me. Even when I’m working towards doing it, in the middle of the difficult parts, I’m thinking it may be that feeling of bliss based on the fantasy of where it will take me that keeps me going. I’m bothered by the notion that might be my real main intention.

So this morning I said “fuck it” for a few minutes and just enjoyed that feeling, since it seems to be all I want most of the time anyways. This got me reflecting on my business. I wonder if I could set aside those feelings for awhile and have a clearer head about the steps I can take to make my manufacturing venture more successful. Thus far, lovely designs, pre-orders, generating buzz…  all that is just serving the purpose of giving me some sort of high. I suspect getting paid will make me feel the same. It’s not as if I don’t have plenty of money now, so what does more of it do for me?

But if that’s REALLY my only intention, effectively an ego gratification, then why not just enjoy the fantasy, draw it all out….  of one falls through, pick up another one. I’m afraid I might do just that. In fact, I’m wondering at this point just how much I *am* doing just that, with Wujifa, meditation, business, even my relationship with my lover. Surely this begs me to look further, to see if I have intentions beyond just feeling bright, shiny, and blissed out.

And why do these fantasies make me feel those lovely feelings? Maybe because the thoughts of my goals make me feel special, stroke my ego, gratify my sense of self. I determined awhile ago that my fear seems to be lack of something to identify with, to think of myself as being. But SURELY there has to be worthy intention beyond that empty naval-gazing roller coaster of a life. At the very least, I must have some intention beyond sensations. What is it?

Perhaps if I knew then I would take my Wujifa practice more seriously, make better decisions in my business, and contribute more to my students. Maybe I would find more depth in my relationship with my girlfriend, and contribute better insight to her.

Perhaps I could get past this plateau in meditation.


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One technique my Qi Kung teacher shared with me years ago, which I have employed many times is this.  If I’m doing something, and I keep doing it.  I like it.  Period.  Denying that I like doing it pushes the fact that I’m making a choice away from my consciousness and helps me stay locked into a pattern.

So with things I think I want to change or I believe I don’t like, I stop screwing around and just say “I like doing that.”  I say it to myself, and I say it to other people if the situation arises.  Keeps me from lying (and by God, even subtle tiny lies are insidious;  if I tell a lie three or four times, I’ve normally forgotten the truth by then).

For awhile, after reading some books by really passionate people who had pushed their consciousness further and further, I just said, “I don’t want to do that.  I’ll just keep living to serve whatever suits my fancy.”  I pretty much stated it that way.

Once I started stating that outright, it only lasted a couple of months or so.  Being honest about it gave me a chance to look at it, set it on the table, to be honest that I WAS actually just indulging in whim and petty fancy.  I was okay with it, and then I decided I wanted to change it.  And I began pressing further, choosing to be more honest, to be more genuine and to grow more than I was before.

So I’m doing this again, with some things that I habitually do and haven’t taken any real steps towards doing something different yet.  For now I’ll just state these things outright.

I like wasting time when I’m making decisions.

I like not making much money.

I like not following through on creative projects.

I like not going out and making new social connections.

I like not taking care of my health, or practicing my Kung Fu as I  Know I could.

I like avoiding being in the present.

Fuck yea, they’re habits and I’m comfortable with them.  For now.  We’ll see how long they last.  First I’m going to grasp them entirely, hold them, cherish my choices for what they are.  After that, some I may keep and some I may drop.

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Well, I’m doing Wujifa again. I never entirely stopped, but I certainly cut down. Those little short practices almost every night as I feel asleep, as well as my constant tendency to find connection while breathing surely contributed to my understanding. I also like to balance and sink my weight properly when I walk because I think it helps my knees and my back.

What I’m noticing now, is that I’m refocusing on connections, not quite with MoBu or ShiLi but definitely coming from that feeling. As I do this, I remember how sensitive I can become to subtle changes in the way I feel. I do like this aspect of Wujifa because it helps me to focus a lot on incredibly detailed nuances of “vibe” and operate within them in conversations with people… but more importantly I notice this for myself. I catch when I have a deeper sense of home, or a specific flavor of comfort or anxiety. I always pay attention to these things, but Wujifa makes me hyper aware, maybe even of the timing and changes involved. The romantic in me wishes to sit and categorize these constantly shifting auras even more than I do. The cynic in me wonders if I’m creating a completely illusory world of nuanced aromas of feeling..

I think I am gaining a greater understanding of the principle of spirit. Like team spirit or school spirit. There’s also the spirit of a mountain climber, which can help a person to conquer Everest or even more. Not be confused with a soul, which may have more to do with the will but because I suspect humans are seldom capable of true willfulness, I don’t think the soul really exists — or maybe all souls are an illusion because there is only wisdom and understanding, perhaps something beyond that, which directs spirit. I do not know the details, and the director of spirit remains a complete mystery to me, yet I still feel the reality of spirit.

I have questions I’ll post elsewhere about what spirit actually is, but I think certain things help to cultivate it. Of course, I’d like every word I use in this matter to be taken as a useful fiction, because I don’t know if anyone else uses the terms the way I do. However, I feel it’s all useful for creating an engine to accomplish things.

I once spent several years deconditioning my Christian habits of prayer, to see if I had any essence of belief or perception of God beyond conditioning. Similarly, my nihilism serves to strip away anything I can strip away in my lifelong attempt to master the art of doing. Extreme characteristics and eccentricities become the biggest strengths and weaknesses a person has. I like my romantic and hedonistic nihilism in this respect. Maybe it gives me just enough space to direct spirit without as much baggage as I would have otherwise had.

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Twee As Fuck

Well, it happened once before, it makes sense for it to happen again. I’m having a big shift in music preferences, just a little into the future of my old favorites. I always like everything made by good musicians, and I’ll dance or sing along if something cool comes on… but what do I put on to listen to for myself?

Now I remember hearing Mojave 3’s “Life in Art” maybe five, ten years ago and thinking that was one of the most beautiful songs I’d ever heard. I think I called Album 88.5 and asked who the artist was. Same with Catherine Wheel, Sigur Ros, Slowdive, etc… (maybe even Portishead, but they aren’t doing it for me right now). I got into The Radio Dept. after hearing them on the soundtrack to Marie Antoinette about a year ago.

So I’ve spent a few years on Synth Pop and recently Goth. Prior to that it was vintage 70s electronic — Vangelis rocked my world, along with Switched on Bach. Now I think I’m moving well into the early 90’s.

My playlist is nothing but shoegazer and minimal wave… lots of cool ethereal stuff with whispery vocals and walls of ambient distorted lovely melodies that feel like the heart of the sun shining on me… or they feel like sitting at an old wood table in the woods on a nice day reading a perfect book. Some of these albums I think I had back home, but I’m listening to them all on GrooveShark. Hooray GrooveShark!

Albums on Shuffle:

1)Pet Grief: The Radio Dept.
2)Excuses for Travellers: Mojave 3
3)Fade Into You: Mazzy Star
4)Ferment: Catherine Wheel
5)Just For a Day: Slowdive
6)Loveless: My Bloody Valentine
7): Sigur Ros
8)Nowhere: Ride
9)Raise: Swervedriver
10)She Hangs Brightly: Mazzy Star
11)So Tonight That I Might See: Mazzy Star
12)Two More Sigur Ros Albums, Including “The John Peel Sessions.”

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