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Archive for October, 2007

energy and frames…

Nearly a month ago, Tairuika tought me how to separate energy from a frame. A frame is just a way of looking at things, and it’s amazing how much I can get attached to a specific frame — they often appear quite real. I have been doing (physical) excercises to tolarate and contain more and more energy — that is energy sans a frame. At this point I can tolerate a very large amount of energy in my body, and I enjoy having a lot more energy. I feel like I am on my way to becoming completely and utterly immune to things like anxiety attacks, and panic, or overload.

However, energy within a specific frame can still get me. By this I mean things like intense feelings directed towards something I wish I had done different (i.e. I’m making the pictures and audio from it in my mind and getting all wrapped up in it). Other examples are feeling like I should be doing something different (expectations or being demanding towards myself). What’s really neat is that now I can actually drop the frame, and experience the energy. Usually the effect that this has is empowering (since the “stress” in the frame is just biological energy in my body, and I can comfortably contain more and more of that). Additionally, once I’ve allowed the energy to move through me, or get into a flow through my body, THEN I can go back and look at the frame (the so-called “source” of the stress response) and percieve it more clearly, without so much attached to it.

I am beginning to notice specific places in my body where energy seems to get stuck (again, not some woo-woo “mystical energy,” but actual biological movement, vibration, feeling, etc)… When I drop my frames an let the energy flow freely, my shoulders tend to relax (from a little to a lot). Or today I was stretching my calves and legs and noticed that more energy could flow through that area in a functional and relaxed way. On the other hand, sometimes I notice energy does not flow as elegantly through certain areas. For instance, the other night I had let go of a lot of frames and also generated a lot of energy, and I noticed a stiltedness or “spastic” quality in my arm movements, compared to my creative vision, eloquence, etc… I also notice it VERY often through my jaw area.. sometimes it feels like other stuff is relaxing and it just outlines how much tension I’ve got in my jaw (as well as some of my other face muscles)

Hopefully I can open up some of those areas more and flow with even more freedom with these progressively bigger and stronger charges…

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Stance for the last week has been nice. The inguinal crease is so odd. It can do so many things! Seriously, I notice it with stance and with baby steps. Here’s my journal entry from the other day for what I was noticing in stance:

I noticed that in the same way I can drop my elbows towards the ground and “get heavier,” I can drop my head (still in good posture) and allow my legs to carry the weight of my head, chest, arms — whatever I am willing to let go of (to let its weight sink). At first it was like I was pushing down with specific parts of me, then I noticed it could be more like letting go and letting the weight of each part fall (sink?) through my body […] will have to explore more because the weight definately passes through my quads. What’s going on in my lower legs is unclear.

–End quote–

I’m also noticing that my stance improved somewhat after taking several baby steps VERY slowly and concentrating to maintain good structure through each phase of the steps (I noticed I tended to loose the proper placement of the weight most often when shifting from one leg to the next… I was trying to let my hips and lower back stay widened and my ingunial crease positioned properly with my weight solidly in my quad throughout the entirity of the steps). When I went back to standing after the baby steps (baby steps being thus far my favourite part of standing practice for some reason), it seemed easier to keep my weight positioned properly whilest standing.

A couple of days ago I was not feeling well so I did just a little standing wujifa then I did some laying down practice.

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Also, after four days of consuming 50%-66% of my calories via raw live foods I feel terrific. i am catching up on some work I needed to do while watching Wim Wender’s _Paris,_Texas_. Great film.

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Today Kiki died. It was very sad. She was my extradigital cat (8 fingers on one hand, 7 on the other) She had been sick for awhile. Just two days ago she was purring and enjoying my company while I watched Suspect Zero… she was weak though, hardly able to climb over a few pillows on the couch. Yesterday she sat in the same place all day. Today she wouldn’t stop walking around, and she was totally out of it. I thought she might be in pain because she wouldn’t settle down and sit anywhere. I took her to the vet and was tol that her kidneys were very tiny and lumpy and that she was in the final stages of kidney failure. I went ahead and had her put down.

It was very sad driving there and having the vet examine her and give me the bad news. It was also sad seeing her in such bad shape for the last couple of days. Once it was done though, it was not so sad… she is no longer in pain. I will miss her, but it’s not the same as seeing her suffering. I buried her tonight by an old apple tree in my grandfather’s field. I buried her deep and put heavy stones all over where I buried her so wild animals would not dig her up.

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Fascinating Show….

Harptallica.

Metallica songs on classical harp.

All I can say is, THAT was a cool concert. Unforgiven was truly Beautiful. Orion was amazing, and One was actually a good song too..

PS: Normally I hate Metallica.

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